


swallowed in the sea

by andromedagalaxy



Series: Philkas College Verse [41]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 12:39:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11989971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromedagalaxy/pseuds/andromedagalaxy
Summary: They walk inside the terminal and see Dad standing there talking to a dark-haired woman. Lukas is still holding Philip’s hand and he narrows his eyes, looking at the woman’s face.“Is he with someone?” Philip asks. “Looks like it.”“She looks familiar,” Lukas says, giving Philip’s hand a little squeeze. “Was she at the vow renewal?”He watches Philip’s delicate features change, and Lukas has seen a lot of expressions on that face. He could probably catalogue them at this point. But this one is a mixture of a few, and it makes him nervous. He looks back and forth between the woman, his dad, and the expression on Philip’s face. “Yeah,” Philip says, looking over at Helen and Gabe. “She was.”“I don’t get it,” Lukas says.“Guys,” Philip says, a little louder in Helen and Gabe’s direction. “What’s going on?”(Lukas and Philip go on their family cruise, and are surprised by a new member added to their party)





	swallowed in the sea

Lukas stares at the e-mail his dad sent him. He has Izzy in his lap and he was petting her but he’s stopped, because his stomach is about to fall out of his body. His dad must be wrong. This must be somebody else’s information because there is no goddamn way he won three fucking villa suites for their upcoming cruise.

“Philip,” he says, out of habit, but then he realizes he’s in the living room and Philip is in the shower in their bedroom. Lukas clicks his tongue at himself and scrolls through the e-mail again, squinting at it. “No goddamn way,” he mutters.

Izzy whines a little bit and nudges him and he looks down at her, scratching behind her ears again. 

“Grandpa’s gone insane, Iz,” Lukas says, smiling at her. “Grandpa hacked into someone else’s cruise profile and is gonna get us kicked off the ship.”

Izzy pants up at him, blinking slowly.

Lukas snorts and goes out of his e-mail, composing a text to his dad.

_Uh, what is this thing you e-mailed me? I’m one million percent sure we’re in third class with the rats and not in any villas. Did you send the right thing?_

He sends it and listens to the shower running, Philip singing some song that Lukas can’t make out. He smiles to himself. He’s really, really looking forward to this cruise. It’s not ever really something he’s thought about and he thinks that’s why he’s excited. It’s so outside their comfort zone that it feels like a new adventure. He hopes Philip doesn’t get too scared about being on the water, but he’ll be right there for him the whole way. 

Dad messages back. _All real information. The raffle had a luxury cruise package along with a European vacation and a new Ford Focus. It was all very serious. Very lucky night for me. Our section of the ship is called The Haven by Norwegian and it’s the nicest part of the ship. The e-mail is correct. The Owner’s Suite with the Large Balcony is for you and Philip._

Lukas normally laughs at his Dad’s text messages because they’re always like goddamn business e-mails, but he’s staring at this one like it’s a goddamn ransom letter. He looked at pictures of that fucking room and it’s bigger than their entire apartment. 

He glances up and sighs because the water is still running and Philip is still singing. This is the longest shower in the history of time. 

_I can’t believe this_ Lukas texts back. _I legit can’t believe you won something this good._

_Very lucky. It was a successful night._

“Let’s get up, Iz,” Lukas says. “I’m about to burst into the bathroom.”

Izzy quickly trots behind him as he makes his way across the living room and into their bedroom. He knocks on the door and he hears Philip abruptly stop singing. 

“What?” Philip yells. “You okay?”

“I’m coming in!” Lukas says.

“Okay!”

Lukas pushes inside and Izzy follows in his wake, dancing around happily when she sees Philip opening up the shower door. He’s got soap on his chest and his hair is plastered to his forehead and Lukas gets really distracted for a couple seconds. 

“Did you just wanna look at me naked?” Philip asks, smirking. “You should have just taken the shower with me.”

“I just took one before you got home,” Lukas laments, his mouth turned down as he leans on the wall. He shakes his head, remembering the e-mails and the texts. “No, that was—I had a real thing to say. You’re distracting me.”

“You’re the one that came in here,” Philip says, laughing.

“My dad won like, a legitimate cruise package,” Lukas says, trying to stay focused on the conversation and not on how fucking beautiful Philip is. “Like, top tier shit. Like, we’re in this fucking crazy ass owner’s suite.”

“All of us?” Philip asks, his eyes going wide. 

“No, like, just me and you in the owner’s suite,” Lukas says. “The e-mail had two other rooms listed and they had crazy ass fancy names, too.”

“Damn,” Philip says. “Did he send pictures?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “And the floor layout. Philip, our room on this ship is bigger than our entire apartment.”

Philip laughs. “We’re gonna be living it up.”

“Hell yeah, baby,” Lukas says, grinning. He lets his eyes roam over Philip’s wet soapy body again and he shakes his head, closing the distance between them. He leans into the shower and grabs Philip’s face, pressing a long kiss to his mouth. The water falls in a mist against his hair.

Philip laughs against his mouth and grins when Lukas pulls back. “You’re wet now.”

“You’re gonna be wet later when I get you into bed.”

Philip scoffs, looking scandalized. “We have to finish packing. We’re meeting them early tomorrow morning. And we have to bring Izzy to Angela.”

“Philip, there’s always time for sex,” Lukas says, narrowing his eyes at him.

~

Lukas takes him apart twice that night, in two different ways, and after they can walk again they finish packing for their trip. They cuddle with Izzy for what feels like forever, showering her with love and treats, and Lukas is sure she can tell they’re leaving her. Philip keeps mentioning that she’ll probably be super distracted and excited to be hanging out with Pumpkin, Cheddar and Taffy, but Lukas insists they let her sleep in their bed that night. She cuddles up between them and Lukas sighs, trying to remind himself that he’s excited about this trip and not exclusively worried about leaving their dog.

“We’ll be back in no time,” Philip whispers, before they fall asleep.

Lukas rests his hand on Izzy’s back and sighs.

~

They’re sitting in the back of their uber the next morning and Lukas looks over at Philip, who seems to be texting vigorously in his lap. 

“What’s up?” Lukas asks, looking at his phone. He keeps thinking about the way Izzy was looking at them as they walked out the door. He hopes she doesn’t think they’re leaving her forever. He knows Angela is gonna take good care of her, but he already misses her.

“Remember that whole shit about Helen and Gabe saying they wanted to tell me something but I couldn’t tell you?” Philip asks.

“Of course,” Lukas says, narrowing his eyes. “Are they mentioning it again?”

“Yeah,” Philip says. “Helen is.”

Lukas had felt kinda strange about it but he understands why Philip didn’t probe them. He didn’t want to tell a secret he wasn’t supposed to tell, so he didn’t let them share the secret at all. But Lukas wonders why the hell there’s a secret coming from Helen and Gabe that he isn’t supposed to know. They’re all a family, a new modern kind of family that he’s been particularly happy with since he and Philip started at NYU.

“You think my dad is gonna pull some shit?” Lukas asks, jumping to the only conclusion he’s been circling since he first heard about this. “On this goddamn cruise?”

“I mean it probably has something to do with your dad,” Philip says, typing out another message. “That’s the only thing that makes sense to me unless they wanna get you a present or something.”

“My birthday’s forever away,” Lukas says. He looks straight ahead, his stomach twisting and not in the good way it does when he’s in bed with Philip. “Nah, it’s gotta be some shit with my dad.” He rolls his eyes, arching his neck back. “Fuck.”

Philip reaches over, rubbing his leg. 

“What’s she saying?” Lukas asks.

“She said ‘tell Lukas to prepare himself for a surprise’. And I asked what kind of surprise and she didn’t say anything else.” He sighs and puts his phone back into his pocket.

“Great,” Lukas says. 

Philip puts the duffel between them on the ground and scoots up against Lukas’s side, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Lukas wraps an arm around his shoulders and pulls him closer. “Just think of our humongous room,” Philip whispers, kissing Lukas’s neck. “And the fact that we are required to dress fancy to eat in some of the nicer restaurants.”

“Mmm, yeah,” Lukas says, recalling some of the cute fucking outfits Philip packed for himself.

“It’s gonna be great, no matter what,” Philip says, nuzzling Lukas’s cheek. 

~

They get to the cruise terminal and see Helen and Gabe waiting for them out front. The uber driver helps them get their luggage and speeds off. Lukas looks up at the ships in awe, excited to find out which one is theirs. Philip smiles softly at him and they walk over towards Helen and Gabe.

“Lookin’ sharp,” Lukas calls out to Helen, who’s wearing sunglasses and a tank top.

“Looking good yourself, you two,” she says, motioning back and forth between him and Philip.

“Hey guys,” Gabe says, and he sounds apprehensive.

“Hey Gabe,” Philip says.

“Hey,” Lukas says. “So what’s going on?” he asks, his heart speeding up a little bit. “Where’s Dad?”

“Let’s, uh, go inside,” Gabe says, nodding at them before he takes the two suitcases sitting closest to him and starts towards the terminal.

“Is something like, going on?” Philip asks, before Lukas can voice the concern himself. Philip stands a little closer to Lukas and Lukas is grateful for him, all the damn time.

Helen shifts her lips to the side a little bit. She steps forward and cups Lukas’s cheeks, and he stares at her, in a little bit of shock. “Just don’t let it ruin the trip.”

“Helen,” Philip insists. “What’s going on?”

“Let’s go,” Helen says, letting go of Lukas with a sigh.

Lukas looks at Philip and he feels sick. “I’m scared. What could he have done?”

“No clue, baby,” Philip says, adjusting his bag on his shoulder. “Let’s just go and find out and if it’s something really stupid we’ll go to our fancy room and have sex and you’ll feel better.”

Lukas scoffs. “The best kind of medicine, right?”

“Exactly,” Philip says, stepping forward and mashing their mouths together for all too brief a second.

~

They walk inside the terminal and see Dad standing there talking to a dark-haired woman. Lukas is still holding Philip’s hand and he narrows his eyes, looking at the woman’s face. 

“Is he with someone?” Philip asks. “Looks like it.”

“She looks familiar,” Lukas says, giving Philip’s hand a little squeeze. “Was she at the vow renewal?”

He watches Philip’s delicate features change, and Lukas has seen a lot of expressions on that face. He could probably catalogue them at this point. But this one is a mixture of a few, and it makes him nervous. He looks back and forth between the woman, his dad, and the expression on Philip’s face. “Yeah,” Philip says, looking over at Helen and Gabe. “She was.”

“I don’t get it,” Lukas says.

“Guys,” Philip says, a little louder in Helen and Gabe’s direction. “What’s going on?”

Helen and Gabe both look guilty. Gabe isn’t even looking at anyone, he’s just looking down at his feet, and that makes Lukas more suspicious, since it’s so unlike him. 

“Let’s just…go over there,” Helen says, and she sounds disappointed, irritated, and quickly breezes off towards Dad and the woman with Gabe following in her wake. They don’t offer a word of explanation or anything, and Lukas feels his mouth going dry. He squeezes Philip’s hand again.

“Why is she here?” Lukas asks, hating that he sounds like a little child, but he needs an explanation and quick. He feels rooted to the spot, fucking terrified to even go over there. “Is she seeing him off or something? Did he bring a friend?”

Philip clicks his tongue. “I don’t think she’s just a friend, Lukas,” he says.

It’s the last thing Lukas wants to hear, but it still doesn’t compute in his head. Philip leads him forward and Lukas drags his bag behind him, running on autopilot. 

“Lukas,” Dad says, loud and obnoxious as soon as they’re in front of them. “Philip. It’s good to see you, I’m glad we all made it in once piece.”

“Not sure how long that’s gonna be the case,” Helen mutters, loud enough for all of them to hear. 

Dad clears his throat, a strange look coming over his face, but he holds his hand out in the woman’s direction. “Boys, I’m not sure if you met her at the vow renewal, but this is Sarah Evans.”

“Hi boys,” Sarah says, and she seems sweet, has kind eyes, but Lukas is suspicious. Philip nods and says hello, shaking her hand. “Lukas,” she says, honing in on him. “We didn’t get to talk at the renewal. It’s very nice to meet you, for real. I’ve, uh—known Helen and Gabe for a long time. Over five years, right?” she asks. 

Gabe nods. “Six years in December.”

Dad speaks again before Lukas can say anything. “Sarah and I have been seeing each other.”

The sentence hangs there in the air for a few minutes, like it’s moving in slow motion. But then Lukas hears it. Really hears it. It’s like a punch to the gut. The nonchalance. He hears it over and over again in an echo, can see Helen and Gabe silently reacting, shaking their heads. Sarah presses her lips together in a thin line and he can’t tell if that’s embarrassment in her eyes, but he can’t really tell anything right now. He feels like he’s losing it.

“Uh,” Lukas stammers, shaking his head. “Uh—”

Philip rubs his thumb back and forth across Lukas’s hand. “Dating?” Philip asks, his voice cracking a little bit. He laughs, but then Bo smiles, nodding. “Really?”

“Since late October,” Dad says, nodding. “Helen and Gabe introduced us, at one of our get-togethers in August.”

Lukas’s brain short-circuits. He squeezes Philip’s hand, probably too hard, but Philip squeezes back, stepping closer to him. “October?” Lukas asks, his voice coming out in that deadly quiet tone. “You’ve been—dating—since October?”

Dad looks at Sarah and Lukas is instantly viewing everything they do differently. The expressions on their faces. Their body language. Lukas thinks he’s gonna be sick. The anger bubbles up in his chest and he can feel it starting to boil over. 

“Yeah,” Dad says. “Just around…Halloween time.”

Lukas’s eye twitches. “All this time?” he asks. “This has been going on and you—all this—we’ve goddamn seen you, on numerous occasions. What the fuck?”

“Lukas,” Philip says, putting a hand on his chest.

“I thought this would be a good time to tell you,” Dad says, making eye contact with him, and it almost looks like a challenge, though there’s something else there, too. Lukas is too fucking angry to try and read him. “Thought we could all get together and have a great time,” Dad says. 

It’s a goddamn trap. Dad trapped him. A literal fucking cruise where Lukas has to deal with this shit, where he can’t escape from it. This shit that’s been going on since fucking October. Since fucking October and Dad never said one fucking goddamn word.

“October,” Lukas breathes, closing his eyes. “Halloween time.”

“We’re gonna go check in,” Philip says, and before Lukas knows it he’s being tugged away from the group, opening his eyes and catching sight of the windows, the ticket takers. 

He grits his teeth, shaking his head, feeling Philip hold his hand tighter, touching his neck. “I feel like I’m having a heart attack,” Lukas says, his whole face going red, his shoulders tense. It’s like he can’t get enough air. 

“Just relax,” Philip says, though Lukas doesn’t know if that’s possible.

“Since October, Philip,” Lukas says, shaking his head. “He’s had a goddamn serious girlfriend for the first time since Mom dies and he doesn’t tell me for _months_ , deciding that our motherfucking vacation on a _ship_ was the proper goddamn time to do it.”

Philip shushes him a little bit, kissing his cheek, letting go of his hand to hug him. Lukas feels the tears sting at his eyes and he can’t focus, doesn’t know what to feel, doesn’t know if how he’s reacting is wrong or fucking what. But he thought he and his dad were doing better. He would have thought he’d tell him about something like this.

And the idea of it hurts. Hurts so deep that it hurts to breathe. 

Philip pulls back and holds Lukas’s face in his hands. “It fucking sucks. It isn’t right, he shouldn’t have told you like this. I’m pissed at Helen and Gabe too, they should have just told me and let me tell you. They know this is ridiculous. But babe, this is our trip, and we can’t let them ruin it. We’ve been looking forward to this, right?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, his voice already sounding teary.

“And we’re gonna have fun, right?”

“Me and you,” Lukas says, sniffling a little bit.

“That’s right,” Philip says, his thumbs tracking back and forth across Lukas’s cheekbones. “Stick with me. We don’t even have to hang out with them.”

“Okay,” Lukas says, nodding. Philip moves in to kiss him and Lukas sighs into it, his heart raging in his chest. 

~

Lukas ghosts through the whole check-in process. He knows he’s barely answering anybody’s questions, is pretty much just standing around holding baggage until somebody needs to see his passport and driver’s license. His mind is running on overdrive. He can barely think straight. He debates with himself in his mind whether he should be reacting this emotionally. He’s mad because Dad didn’t tell him. He’s mad he trapped him like this, essentially tainting the goddamn trip. He keeps repeating his reasons to himself over and over again. He doesn’t want the trip to be fucked up. They were so fucking looking forward to this.

But every time he looks at Sarah and his Dad within ten feet of each other he feels ill, a voice in the back of his head saying _this isn’t right, this isn’t right._

Right before they’re gonna board the ship they pull each group into a spot where they can take a picture in front of it. They all stand together like they barely know each other at all, and Lukas knows it’s probably gonna be one of the most fucking awkward family photos these people have ever seen. 

“I wanna take one with just Philip,” he says, pretty much to anyone that’s listening, making eye contact with the photographer.

The rest of them step aside without much of a fight, and Gabe is nice enough to pull their luggage out of the frame. Lukas wraps his arm around Philip’s shoulders and leans on him, letting out a sigh. 

“We’re gonna be fine, babe,” Philip whispers. 

“Yeah,” Lukas says, but he isn’t so sure.

~

He can’t even focus on how nice the ship is on the inside, and they’ve only been to the main atrium or whatever it is Gabe keeps calling it. It’s goddamn unfortunate that their rooms aren’t ready when they check in, so they hand their bags over to the porters, and before Lukas can say he wants to explore the ship on his own with Philip, Dad steps in.

“Let’s head to lunch,” Dad says. 

“It’s eleven,” Lukas says, trying not to sound too disdainful. 

“Brunch then,” Dad says, giving him a look. “We’re staying on deck sixteen, a whole area called The Haven, and we have our own personal restaurant.”

“Our own personal restaurant, huh?” Lukas says, and he feels Philip squeeze his hand. 

“Sarah and I are gonna go scope out the spas,” Helen says, reaching out and grabbing Sarah’s wrist, bodily snatching her away from Dad. “We’ll meet you at the restaurant, sixteenth deck?”

“Yeah,” Dad says, nodding at them. 

Lukas watches them walk off, Helen whispering to Sarah, and he wonders what the hell she’s saying. He feels like the confrontation is brewing now that they’re both gone, and Gabe steps out a little bit, ushering them over to an area with a bunch of oblong couches, people lounging around and waiting for them to disembark.

“We need to deal with this,” Gabe says, looking back and forth between Lukas and Dad.

“What’s there to deal with?” Lukas snaps, his face and ears already flushing. “It is what it is, you know? He made it what it is.”

“Lukas,” Philip says, close beside him.

“I made it what it is?” Dad asks, raising his eyebrows, and he reminds Lukas a lot of how he used to be, before college, before the murders. When it was just them and Lukas had no love to turn to, no warm hand to hold his. “Lukas, you have no right to be behaving like this, she’s a wonderful woman—”

“I’m sure,” Lukas says, his throat tight. “Her only mistake is wasting her time with you—”

“Now, wait—”

“Gabe,” Philip says, loud, and suddenly he has a vice-grip around Lukas’s wrist. “Can I take Lukas off for a second here? We’re gonna meet at the restaurant at the top?”

“Yeah,” Gabe says, pain in his eyes, and Lukas kinda hates that he looks like that, but he can’t find anything else to say other than an angry tirade aimed at his dad. 

“Room keys get us in to the floor, but not to the rooms yet,” Dad says, and he’s avoiding Lukas’s eyes entirely, only looking at Philip. “They’ll text us when they’re active.”

“Okay,” Philip says, and he quickly pulls Lukas away. Lukas is breathing a little hard and he feels fucking sick, he just wants to get off the ship and go home and bury his face in Philip’s pillow.

They walk into a hallway close to the elevators, and when Philip pulls Lukas out of sight Lukas shakes his head, feeling the shame creep up his neck. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. 

“It’s okay.”

“No, you can’t—you can’t keep pulling me aside every five seconds,” Lukas says, swallowing hard, his eyes burning.

“What do you want to do?” Philip asks, standing in front of him. “Because we can’t—we can’t keep on with this, if you’re gonna keep arguing with him whenever we’re together. I can either….” He chews on his lower lip and he looks a little panicked, which Lukas hates, but his hands only hang useless at his sides. “I can either go out there and tell Gabe that we’re gonna hang out on our own the whole time. Or we’ve gotta…try and figure this out. Just….be civil for the week that we’re on this trip and then hash it out when we get back home.”

“I don’t want to ruin this for you,” Lukas says, shaking his head. He knows if they hang out alone the whole time they’ll have to blatantly ignore the rest of them, avoiding certain areas at all costs. He knows they’d probably have to keep in touch with Helen and Gabe so they can coordinate when to not be where. It’d be a complicated fucking mess, and Lukas knows Philip wants to hang out with them too. “I’ll chill out, we can—we’ll figure it out when we get home.”

“You don’t have to do anything for me, baby,” Philip says, reaching out and touching Lukas’s cheek. “I’m gonna do what you do.”

Lukas braces his hands on his forehead and leans against the wall. “I’m sorry,” he breathes. “I’m gonna chill out, I gotta—I’ll just like. Talk to him as little as possible.”

“What about her?” Philip asks.

“Same,” Lukas says, drawing in a few quick breaths. “It’s fine, I just—once we get into the room I just wanna take like, ten minutes and we’ll figure it out. Hopefully most of the shit we’re gonna do kinda couples us off so I’ll get breaks.” He rubs at his face and nods to himself. He just has to focus on Philip. Make this about them. Not think about anything else.

Not the fact that this seems like a betrayal. Not the fact that he wants to fucking scream. Not the fact that he keeps thinking about his mom.

“Lukas, are you sure?” Philip asks. He takes Lukas’s hands, squeezing them and bringing them up to his mouth. 

“Yeah,” Lukas breathes, nodding at him. “Yeah.”

~

Dad clearly seems like he wants to avoid fights even though he fucking started this one, but Lukas holds his tongue over brunch in their all-inclusive restaurant, which he would normally be marveling at if he wasn’t freaking the hell out in his own head. 

When they embark they all stand up on the top deck and wave to people they don’t know on the dock, some people throwing flowers and confetti like he’s seen in movies before. He wraps his arms around Philip from behind as they pull away into the open ocean, resting his chin on Philip’s shoulder. He feels Philip stiffen a little bit and Lukas tightens his hold on him.

“You okay?” he asks, his voice still a little raspy from the brief panic stint he had in the bathroom.

“Yeah,” Philip says, staring down at the water. “As long as you’re with me.”

~

It’s four in the afternoon by the time they’re completely surrounded by ocean, New York a tiny speck in the distance, and the awkwardness between Lukas and dad seems to be reaching a new peak. They walk along the deck a little bit while they’re waiting for their rooms to be ready. Finally they all get their messages, and they go back up to the sixteenth floor.

“Wow,” Philip says, as they push into the room. Their bags are already there by the couch and this feels like the first time Lukas is letting himself out of his own head, pulling away from the fucking bullshit his dad pulled.

It’s like the fanciest hotel room he’s ever stayed in. The chairs look some kind of weird modern art, the couch with leather pillows and a big balcony a couple of steps away. There’s a fridge and an expresso machine, a microwave, two sinks on a long stretch of counter, a little dining room with a table adorned with flowers. Philip looks back at him with a smile and Lukas manages one too, closing the door behind them. 

“Minibar,” Lukas says, looking down at it by their fridge. “Guess they don’t know we can’t drink legally.”

“Wonder if we could get away with it?” Philip laughs. He keeps walking, touching the walls, gaping at everything like he can’t believe it. Lukas feels a little better looking at him, finally having a proper moment alone even though Dad is only two fucking doors down. He feels a little sick again when he glances in that direction, imagining the two of them alone in a room with a bed.

He knows what’s been going on, he’s not an idiot. He tries to tell himself to chill the fuck out. Dad is an adult. He can have a girlfriend.

But Lukas still feels fucking sick about it.

“This is so nice,” Philip says peeking into the bedroom. “Oh my God, Lukas.”

Lukas walks in behind him and sees the bed. It has velvet pillows and what looks like a down comforter, tucked in nicely and made up like a showroom model. Lukas sorta wants to throw Philip down onto it and kiss him senseless. 

Philip runs his hand over the comforter and grins, reaching back and tangling their fingers together. He walks into the bathroom and tugs Lukas along with him, gasping when he turns on the light.

“They got a bath all ready for us,” Lukas says, grinning a little bit.

The tub is big, definitely enough for both of them probably twice over, and there’s a handful of rose petals floating in the water. Philip reaches down and picks one up, brushing it against Lukas’s nose. Lukas laughs a little bit, leaning in to kiss him. 

“You okay?” Philip asks, breathing against Lukas’s mouth.

Two doors down. His dad and a woman that’s not his mom. Months and months of lies by omission. Fifty steps back from where they were. 

_Be rational_ he thinks. _Be rational be rational._

“Yeah,” Lukas lies.

There’s a knock on the door.

Lukas feels his heart rattle. “I seriously hope that’s not my fucking dad,” he says, swallowing hard. 

“Maye it’d be okay if he tried to talk to you now?” Philip asks, wandering through the bedroom and towards the front door.

“Any talk is gonna turn into an argument,” Lukas says, hovering back, as if he can pretend he’s not here.

“Hey,” he hears Philip say, and it sounds like a more familiar greeting than one he’d use for Dad. Lukas walks out and sees Helen moving inside the room, pushing her sunglasses up on top of her head and closing the door behind her.

“Lukas,” she says, as soon as she sees him. “I told him a long time ago that this was a bad idea.”

“Guess he didn’t listen,” Philip says, crossing his arms over his chest. “You should have just told us this shit, not danced around with the secret garbage.”

“He said not to say anything!” Helen exclaims, throwing her arms out to her sides. “It wasn’t really my secret to tell.”

“It shouldn’t have been a secret at all,” Philip says, and Lukas loves him a little more with every passing second. “This is the kind of thing he should have told him.”

“I agree with you,” Helen says. “I think that he—I think he didn’t know how to tell him, so he kept putting it off and putting it off until he got this opportunity. Then he took it because he thought it would be an easy way out. Forcing the three of you together with us as buffers for a week. It’s like a neutral zone. He probably thought you wouldn’t make a scene because of where we are, and if you did he probably thought he’d come out looking like the rational one.”

Lukas’s whole face goes hot and he leans on the doorway. “Did he say that shit?”

“No,” Helen says, shaking her head. “The only thing he actually said was about six weeks after he started dating her. That he didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Well, this wasn’t the goddamn way,” Lukas says, chewing on his lower lip.

“You think you can deal with it during the trip?” Helen asks, looking legitimately worried. “Gabe told me what happened before breakfast so I figure you’re not quite prepared to hash it out.”

“I’m gonna try to deal,” Lukas says, but the volcano in his head is simmering.

“She’s a great person,” Helen says. “She’s been a good friend for a while, you know only our favorites were at the renewal.”

“Yeah, good on you introducing them,” Philip says, deadpan. Lukas smiles a little bit, looking him up and down.

“Hey,” Helen says, turning her head at him. “We introduced them as _friends_ and nothing more. Her daughter is gay and in a longterm relationship with a girl, we thought he’d do well talking to her about it. We were shocked when it turned into something else.”

Lukas knows their intentions were good but he can’t help being a little resentful. Also, he really, really doesn’t want to think about it.

“I’m gonna try to deal,” Lukas says again, blowing out a breath.

~

He feels like he’s falling deeper and deeper into the hole he’s made for himself in his head. He can’t stop feeling like shit. He can’t stop focusing on his anger, and he hasn’t felt like this since high school. He’s been so settled lately. He and Philip will occasionally fight about dumb shit, like who left the milk out, why are we leaving the TV on at night for Izzy, stop letting the sink drip after you brush your teeth. It’s basically like they’re married already. He and his dad haven’t had a big fight since Christmas freshman year, and that lasted for about five seconds.

He tries to tell himself he’s overreacting now like he was then. But then he counts through all the goddamn times they’ve seen each other since October, all the fucking opportunities, and he gets sickly angry all over again. 

They sit by the pool for a while but Lukas can tell it’s a little bit too busy for Philip, so they walk over to one of the four hot tubs that’s actually empty. They sink into the water and Lukas remembers to grab Philip’s hand as they sit down, pulling him close.

He catches sight of Dad and Sarah in the big pool, talking with Helen and Gabe. Sarah looks over in Lukas’s direction and he quickly looks down. The hot water feels really nice and he tries to focus on that and how cute Philip looks in his trunks. But then he glances up again and sees Dad holding Sarah’s hand, his other hand around her waist. They seem so close.

_Of course they’re fucking close, idiot. They’re close enough to go on a vacation together. They’re dating. They’re probably gonna get fucking engaged soon, what are you gonna do then?_

“So weird to think this is a hot tub full of water next to a pool on a thing floating on the ocean, which is just a shit ton of water,” Philip says.

Lukas laughs and tries not to make it sound half-hearted. “You doing okay with it?” he asks. “All this water?”

“Yeah,” Philip says, and he leans forward a little bit when Lukas wraps an arm around him. “This is really nice, actually. Do we have a hot tub at our gym?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, looking at his face. Philip is the only thing that makes him feel calm. 

“Well why the hell aren’t we using it more?” Philip asks, squeezing his knee and making a really, really cute endearing face.

Lukas can’t help but grin at him, kissing the tip of his nose. “I don’t know baby, usually we’re too focused on the swimming aspect that we don’t normally get to the sit and soak and cuddle aspect. Which, in retrospect, is pretty fucking dumb of us.”

“It is,” Philip says. “I thought we were smarter.”

“I know I’m an idiot,” Lukas says, trying not to look up at anything else but Philip.

“Shut up,” Philip says, nuzzling into him and kissing his neck. 

Lukas closes his eyes.

~

They wander around in a vague sort of group for a while, peeking into the casino, the theater, some of the shops and the Jazz club. Dad actually acts like he’s into jazz and dances around like an idiot for Sarah when he thinks Lukas isn’t looking, but Lukas is always looking because apparently he wants to torture himself. They eat at the steakhouse and the conversation is stilted, almost one-sided as Lukas directs all his attention to Philip, still a little pissed off at Helen and Gabe for even starting this whole shit.

_He can date who he wants. He’s a grown man._

Lukas hates his own head.

They eat gelato after dinner and it also does a pretty good job distracting him, until he sees Dad and Sarah having a romantic fucking moment outside the shop by the railing. 

Philip grabs his hand, lacing their fingers together, and he leans in, planting a strawberry-flavored kiss on the corner of Lukas’s mouth. Lukas smiles a little bit, closing his eyes.

Gabe is on his other side. “You gonna be alright?” he asks.

Lukas shrugs, sighing. “Yeah,” he manages. 

“He’s holding back, I think,” Gabe says, peering over his shoulder.

Lukas winces. “How many times have you seen them together?” he asks, almost afraid of hearing the answer.

Gabe looks like he’s thinking it through.

“Ugh, Gabe,” Philip says, glancing back as Helen sits down beside him at the bar.

“What?” Gabe asks, leaning forward to look at him, laughing the slightest bit. “I don’t know. This whole situation is insane. I wish we would have warned you, Lukas, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Lukas says, shaking his head, even though he wants to yell at everybody but Philip. He knows it isn’t right. They’re their own people, their lives don’t revolve around him. He just thought his dad would care more about his fucking opinion. Would want to involve him, would want him to care, would want him to approve, be a part of this. He doesn’t get it. 

Lukas tries to hold himself back. 

~

They have the most awkward goodnight that Lukas has ever fucking had with anyone, and that includes some of the encounters he had with Philip and Rose back when he was dealing with all that shit and acting like an asshole. Dad nods at him like he’s a fucking stranger, says _Lukas_ like it’s a foreign word. Lukas is about to rush into his and Philip’s room before he can even say goodnight to anybody else before Sarah moves forward, pressing a tentative kiss to his cheek.

“Goodnight, Lukas,” she says, and she sounds sad, brushing a strand of dark hair out of her eyes. She almost looks like she wants to say something else but Lukas knows he’s probably shaking, looking at her like a fish out of water.

He feels Philip hovering behind him and he reaches back and grabs his hand, vaguely muttering goodnight like an idiot and quickly turning to move into their room.

He sighs when he’s finally out of sight, hearing Philip say something to Helen and Gabe before he follows, closing the door behind him. He closes the distance between them, rubbing Lukas’s arms up and down. 

“That coulda gone way worse,” Philip says, meeting his eyes. 

“Coulda gone way better,” Lukas says, trying to make his heart stop hammering. He feels fucking trapped. He leans forward and presses his forehead against Philip’s.

“Let’s try to make tomorrow better, okay?” Philip says. “We’ll think about generic phrases you can answer your dad with.”

Lukas snorts, shaking his head. 

“ _Yes, fine thank you_ ,” Philip says, in his Lukas voice. “ _The weather is very good. The cruise is going well. I am very happy and content._ ”

“Perfect,” Lukas laughs, feeling a little bit lighter. “Sounds just like me.”

Lukas’s phone buzzes and he takes it out of his pocket. He sees it’s from Angela and he opens it, laughing when he sees a picture of Izzy. “Look,” he says, leaning back a little bit to show Philip. “Our kid misses us.”

Philip beams. “Of course she does,” he says, grinning. Lukas slips the phone back into his pocket and sighs, swaying into Philip’s space.

Philip kisses him then. Cups Lukas’s face with his hands like he’s trying to put blinders on him, their lips sliding together, Lukas’s eyes finally fluttering closed. He smooths his hand across the small of Philip’s back and pulls him closer, listening to the sound of the sea. 

Philip sucks on Lukas’s bottom lip a little bit, pulling back and meeting his eyes. “Let’s go try out that bed,” he whispers. 

“Good idea,” Lukas says, eager to take his mind off things and focus on Philip.

~

They’re naked and clutching at each other, their tongues in each other’s mouths, breathing hard through their noses. Lukas rolls them over so Philip is on top and Philip makes a little happy noise, widening the spread of his legs on either side of Lukas, grinding down on him.

The feeling creeps back into Lukas’s head. A storm cloud. A week of hell that was supposed to be a week of family, of romance, of working on Philip’s fear of water like they’ve been doing these past months. Lukas thought this could help, a lot. But now he can’t focus. He can’t stop thinking about the hole he’s dug in his mind. Lies. Loss. Anger. He doesn’t know why the fuck his dad would handle this shit like this. He doesn’t get it. Does he want to hurt him? Want to see him freak out? Lukas knows he would have done better with some fucking preparation. With a one-on-one talk, a fucking explanation. Maybe a month or so after he’d realized it was serious. That’s what Lukas will say if he ever fucking talks to him again.

Philip stops kissing him, pulling back.

“What?” Lukas asks, his voice raspy.

“You’re not…with me,” Philip says, blinking at him. 

“Yeah I am,” Lukas says, swallowing hard. “I’m right here.”

“Not here,” Philip says, tapping Lukas’s temple. “I really hate the idea that you’re thinking about your dad while we’re in bed.”

Lukas sighs, hating how Philip can read him so well. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. He runs his hands through Philip’s hair and looks at his beautiful face. “I wish it was just me and you,” he says. “I know we wanted this to be a family thing but shit…I just can’t—I wish he’d given me more time, and maybe it would have been alright.” He closes his eyes, shaking his head.

“Shh, Lukas,” Philip whispers, nuzzling against his cheek. “Think about me.” He grinds down against him and Lukas sucks in a breath, holding onto his hips. “Think about this. Us.” He licks a stripe up Lukas’s cheek and Lukas’s brain goes dark, narrowing down to primal instincts. 

“Mmmm, Philip,” Lukas groans, pressing his fingers hard into Philip’s skin. 

“Focus on me,” Philip says, kissing down Lukas’s throat, and Lukas knows this pattern, arching his neck back as Philip mouths down his chest, licking at his skin, thumbing down his ribs, and when he takes him into his mouth Lukas gasps, tangling his hands in Philip’s hair. 

He loves the way Philip does this and Philip seems to be trying extra hard to draw it out, to make it better than normal, and fuck, he’s succeeding. He does everything Lukas likes and then some, making those needy little noises like he was made for this, made to take Lukas apart. Lukas chants his name and pets his hair, his shoulders, and he always wishes he could touch him more when he’s doing this, show him how much he appreciates it. Especially now, especially here, today in the midst of all his bullshit. Philip always puts Lukas’s needs above his own, always knows what to give him to clear the fog in his head. Lukas wishes he was even close to good enough for him.

He always knows when he’s close because his thighs start trembling like he has no control over them, his moans grow wild and strung-out, and Philip always starts to take him deeper, his gorgeous mouth opening wider, and Lukas looks down to see.

“Oh God, baby,” Lukas stammers, breathing harsh through his mouth. “Philip, Philip.”

Philip hums back at him and that’s what does it, rips Lukas in half, arching his neck back as he floods Philip’s mouth. 

He can hear his fucking dad laughing in the hallway.

He makes a desperate, horrified little noise as the sound moves down the hall and he isn’t sure if Philip heard, because he pulls off, licking along the length of Lukas’s cock and wiping his mouth before he peppers kisses across Lukas’s hips and thighs. Lukas tries to recover himself because he doesn’t want Philip to know it got fucking ruined in the end even though it was so goddamn good, so he clears his throat and reaches for him, trying to tug him up. He needs him close.

Philip climbs back up Lukas’s body and collapses half on top of him, nuzzling into his neck. He hums happily and snakes his arm around Lukas’s middle, sighing to himself.

“You’re amazing, baby,” Lukas whispers, and he’s breathing hard, his body and his mind tugging him in two different directions. “You’re amazing,” he says again. He wonders what the fuck his dad was doing out there. It’s fucking late. They all went to bed. He can imagine him and Sarah going out for drinks because they can, now that they’re alone. He doesn’t want to be fucking thinking about this. Now when he’s lying in bed with Philip, not when they’re doing this. Shit, he cannot fucking let Dad taint this too. No fucking way, no goddamn way. 

Philip kisses his throat, holding him tighter. “Tomorrow’ll be better,” he whispers. 

“I love you,” Lukas says, pressing a long kiss to his forehead.

_Don’t think about dad goddamnit don’t think about dad_

“I love you too, Lukas,” Philip says.

~

Lukas has shitty dreams. The kind that make him thrash around in the night, tossing and turning. He dreams of Dad and Sarah getting married, of Dad cutting him out, not talking to him anymore. Then Philip doesn’t want him either, leaves him for some random asshole who looks like a fucking model. He can hear him saying _I never want to see you again._ Lukas’s whole life is torn away.

He wakes up with a gasp and feels like he’s at the bottom of a pit. They’ve drifted apart in the night but Philip is still there, cuddled up with one of the plush pillows in his arms. He has about six of them propping him up and Lukas stares at him for a minute. He looks so peaceful. Lukas thinks about waking him up but Jesus, he’s tired of being a burden, he’s tired of being this asshole child who can’t get over daddy having a girlfriend. 

He pulls the covers back as gently as he can and gets out of bed. He pulls on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt he’d abandoned on the ground. He picks one of the robes off the hook on the wall and tip-toes as quietly as he can towards the living room, pulling the door open and shutting it back. He doesn’t hear Philip stir.

He puts on the robe, flipping on the overhead light that he remembers being the dimmest and walks over to the glass door, staring out at the sea. The lights of the ship are reflecting on it but they only go out so far, and the rest of it just looks dark. He knows they’re heading towards Florida but they’ll be at sea all day tomorrow.

He was so fucking excited for this shit but now he feels trapped. Like there’s nothing to do, nowhere to go, no way to salvage this. He can’t even get sucked off by the love of his life without his dad destroying it. 

Lukas walks over to the couch and sits down, putting his head in his hands. He doesn’t want to be this upset. He wants to get over it, at least for now, but he can’t stop honing in on it, can’t stop feeling betrayed, can’t stop his mind from straying to his mother. It’s been years. It’s been years _it’s been years_. She’d want Dad to find someone. She’d want him to be happy, she’d want him to be loved. It’s fine, Lukas knows it’s fine.

Except he doesn’t feel fine.

He wishes he could have been given the opportunity to react to this properly. Because now his outrage is outweighing everything else and he can’t think straight. Can’t allow the rational part of his mind to take over. He tries and he tries and he tries but all he can keep feeling is lost. All he can keep thinking is _ten steps backwards. Ten steps backwards._ They were doing so good. Lukas was fucking proud of how good they were doing. Was all that shit fake?

He sees the mini bar. He could definitely do with a goddamn drink right now, to take the edge off. He’s a little annoyed he didn’t think of this sooner. He gets up and shuffles over to it, trying to keep his feet on the carpet and not on the cold tile. He knows his flip flops are around here somewhere, but right now he’s too intent on alcohol to search for them.

He opens the little fridge and sees how many goddamn options he has. There’s even a bottle of wine in there, a bottle of champagne amongst all the other little bottles of vodka, whiskey, rum. Plenty of sodas for mixers.

He thinks about waking Philip up, but it instantly makes him feel like a burden. Philip was sleeping so soundly, which Lukas was worried wouldn’t happen on the ship. He can’t bother him with this shit again, not at goddamn three in the morning. He has to rely on himself for once. Take care of his own idiot self.

He picks the bottle of vodka. “Just this one,” he mutters to himself. “And then I’ll go back to bed.”

~

It’s all shaking and slurpy and he’s on the ground again, again, he shushes himself because Philip, beautiful Philip sleeping, on the other side of the barrier. On the other side of the world. The world with light and flowers and sunshine and Philip.

Lukas is in a storm cloud. Darkness. Blood and pain and blood.

He doesn’t know where Izzy is Izzy should be here. He hopes she isn’t drinking out of the toilet again or trying to wake Philip up.

The ocean is so close. The table is closer and he edges around it, going for the ocean. The dark dark water. So dark and black. There’s a door there too though and Lukas doesn’t remember until he bangs into it. His foot still hurts. He doesn’t know why but it’s on the tile so he avoids the tile and lays on the carpet, staring up at the ceiling. He feels alone. Alone alone alone. Philip sleeping behind a barrier. Dad in fucking la la land.

Lukas gets annoyed just thinking of him and he huffs, wavering to his feet. Shimmering and gross and maybe a little sick and the world tilts and maybe the ship is sinking and maybe they’ll die and he reaches across the couch to brace his hand on the wall.

Philip can’t die. Philip isn’t allowed to die ever. 

Lukas’s foot hurts his foot hurts. He thinks he brings the hurt and he can’t give Philip the hurt he’s gotta get out of here gotta get away from Philip can’t hurt him can’t hurt him not ever again

Flip flops

Flip flops are sticking out from under the couch

He’s trailing something and he slips his feet into the shoes and it hurts so bad but he’s gotta get out of here because he’s so stupid and awful and a burden and Philip is too good for him. Too good for him. 

Something crunches under his shoes and he winces

Then he’s out in the hallway and he looks over his shoulder, door closed, door closed, Philip is safe the door is closed and Lukas is gone, so he’s safe, happier and safe now that Lukas is gone. Two other doors and he groans because Dad is behind one of those doors unless he’s out on the town with his goddamn girlfriend who probably wants to be Lukas’s new mom

Elevator now and he’s alone and he probably always be. He presses his nose to the wall and it smells bad.

Wants to go home, he keeps thinking he wants to go home and his foot hurts

A man nods at him in the hallway and he nods back trying to act normal even though it’s so early in the morning that nobody should be awake and he’s gone down to the very bottom of the ship so he’s underwater now and he’s probably gonna die

Everything is so big

He touches the wall and this wall is nicer not metal but soft with little diamonds in squares and it’s so long the lights are bright and awful and he wants to kiss Philip, he wants to kiss him, hold him, his foot hurts, it’s wet and metal and gross

He wonders if he really is on the bottom of the ship because he doesn’t remember how long he was in the elevator. He brushes his hair out of his eyes and keeps walking and he wonders if they’re the only ones on this ship but then he remembers it’s so early, the earliest, a ridiculous early time when he should be curled around Philip instead of roaming this random hallway under water somewhere

But he’s a burden so he needs to burden someone else with his burden self, not precious Philip, not precious Philip who makes him feel so good all the time

He stops in front of a door and sees the word PULSE and he checks his throat to see if he still has one. He’s trembling all over. He pushes the door open and promptly runs into a wall, staggering back as the door behind him closes. It’s dark for a second and then the room lights up and he feels like he can feel the ocean moving all around him like he’s gonna crash through the floor and drown

He sees workout shit

And then he’s in a bathroom puking his guts out in a toilet and he’s sad because Philip is usually with him when he’s sick like this

He throws up for a thousand years

Running water, he’s gotta fix this, he smells and Philip will never want to kiss him again

Next thing he knows he’s in a small room with little rooms and he pushes one of the little doors open. There’s a bench in here. He can see his feet. He sits down on the bench and sinks back against the wall, closing his eyes.

Philip, Philip, Philip

~ ~ ~

Philip wakes up when he realizes the bed is empty. He pops one eye open and takes in the long expanse of soft sheets not covering Lukas, and when he really focuses and sits up he throws the covers back. Lukas isn’t there.

Philip looks over his shoulder, sees that it’s a little before eight in the morning. He rubs his eyes and glances up—the bathroom door is still open and the light is off. 

“Lukas?” Philip calls. He waits for a second but he gets no answer. “Lukas?” he says, a little louder, and he can hear his own heart beating in his ears. 

He peers over and sees Lukas’s phone is still plugged in on the bedside table. 

Maybe he’s watching something on mute in the living room. He likes to do that at home. Philip gets out of bed and puts on a pair of his boxers, his heart continuing to go wild.

“Lukas?” he says again, opening the door, and as soon as he steps into the living room he feels a sharp pain on the sole of his foot. He gasps, crying out in pain and stumbling back, landing on the ground in the doorway. Tears sting at his eyes as he clutches at his foot and he looks around—there’s one light on in the living room and bottles everywhere, broken glass scattered across the tile, and spots of blood on the carpet, leading over to the door. 

Philip feels fucking sick. He blinks dizzily at the blood on the ground and it’s Lukas’s blood, Lukas’s blood and Lukas isn’t here. Philip looks at the bottles—three little bottles of rum, two little bottles of vodka, and the broken bottle’s label clings to some of the shards. Champagne. 

“Jesus fuck,” Philip groans, his foot fucking killing him. He’s trembling and he pulls it into his lap, sees one large shard stuck in there. He sucks in a breath, squeezing his eyes shut tight, and he sort of feels like he’s gonna have a heart attack. He tries to brace himself and he takes another deep breath, taking hold of the glass as gently as he can. He whimpers a little bit as he pulls it out, seeing stars, and once it’s out he puts it aside, watching the blood well up in a crimson bubble. 

He scoots back into the bedroom, holding his hand to his foot, and he needs to fucking fix this so he can find Lukas. Lukas who is somewhere fucking drunk and bleeding. Philip tries not to tear up again thinking about it. The pain is nearly overwhelming him and he grabs Lukas’s phone off the bedside table on the way to the bathroom. He scoots over to the roll of toilet paper and pulls off a big wad of it, pressing it to his foot. He watches it soak with blood.

He feels like he’s gonna have a fucking heart attack.

He unlocks Lukas’s phone and dials Helen’s number. He braces the phone on his shoulder and rolls out some more toilet paper, listening to the phone ring.

“Lukas?” Helen says, on the third ring. “What’s wrong?”

“I need your help,” Philip says.

“Philip?” Helen asks, sounding more alert now. “What’s going on?”

“Lukas is gone and I’m bleeding,” Philip says, knowing how fucking pathetic and desperate he sounds. “There’s—there’s fucking—he raided the mini bar and broke a bottle while I was sleeping, I fucking guess, and his blood is everywhere because I think he did the same thing I did—stepped on the goddamn glass and just—I don’t know. He’s gone. I need to find him.”

“Your foot is cut?” Helen asks.

“Helen, he’s not here and he could be fucking anywhere,” Philip says, his voice pinched and the tears falling. He thinks about Lukas. On this huge fucking ship. The sea surrounding him. Jesus, fucking—with that much alcohol—he could have gone overboard. “Helen,” Philip sobs.

“I’m coming over, are you able to let me in?” she says, and he can hear rustling in the background. “We have to take you to the infirmary.”

“I just need to wrap it up,” Philip says, wavering to his feet, the toilet paper still sticking to the wound. He’s shaking so much and he hops into the living room. He avoids the mess and looks out onto the balcony, sees that it’s empty, everything still in place. “We have to go find Lukas.” He panics, crossing the room.

There’s a knock at his door just as he’s reaching it, and when he opens it Helen is standing there. They both hang up and there’s pure worry in her eyes when she takes in the scene. She walks in fast and wraps an arm around his waist and he leans on her heavily, closing his eyes. 

“Infirmary now,” Helen says. “Let’s get some clothes on you.”

“Fuck, no, Helen,” Philip says, squeezing his eyes shut, thinking of Lukas in the water, not able to swim, too drunk to fucking function. “We have to find him, he’s—look at this fucking shit, I don’t even know how goddamn long—long he’s been gone—” Philip really thinks about it and covers his mouth, feeling dizzy again. 

“Gabe knows and he’s gonna start looking as soon as he gets dressed,” Helen says. “We’ll join him as soon as you get this taken care of.”

Philip is goddamn terrified. He can’t even imagine where the fuck Lukas is or what’s happened to him. And he hates not knowing, hates that Lukas didn’t wake him up if he was struggling this hard.

“Come on, sweetheart,” Helen says, urging him towards the bedroom.

“I just need—to get my phone and my—my key,” Philip gasps, rubbing his eye. His foot feels like it’s throbbing and he shakes his head, feeling utterly _lost_ without Lukas.

~

The infirmary takes way too fucking long and Philp sighs, drumming his fingers on his lap as the woman tends to his foot. His heart is hammering loud and he checks his phone, annoyed that there’s no message from Gabe. He needs an update. He needs to know what’s happening.

“Security will find him, sweetheart,” the nurse says, looking up at him and then at Helen fast, like she’s meant to back her up.

“Of course they will,” Helen says. 

“I need to go look myself,” Philip says, swallowing hard. He can’t stop picturing him in the water. Like when Philip fucking dragged him out of it after that gunshot—

He closes his eyes and breathes in through his nose and out through his mouth. He feels Helen reach out and grip his shoulder.

“You gotta try to walk on the ball of your foot for a bit,” the nurse says, wrapping a bandage around the arch of his foot. “Make sure to keep it clean. You can come back here if you need me to rewrap it.”

Philip can’t stop worrying about Lukas. He wouldn’t even fucking care if his foot came off at this goddamn point. He needs Lukas more than he needs any of his limbs.

“He will,” Helen says. 

“Can I go?” Philip asks, looking up at the nurse.

“Yes,” she says, sounding exasperated. “Security will contact you if they find your boyfriend, alright? Tell them if you find him first so they can call off the search.”

“Yes,” he says, throwing his legs over the side of the table and getting back on his feet. He leans a little on the bad one like an idiot and winces, shaking his head. He puts his sandals back on, brushes past Helen and towards the door.

~

He didn’t realize how big the ship was until he’s taken an hour and half pouring over every inch of it. He goes into every restaurant, every lounge, every spa, knocks on a bunch of doors and tries not to cry in front of strangers. They walk on the deck to make sure there’s no trace of him and Philip looks for blood, hoping there’s none but also hoping that they’ll find _something_. Some kind of clue, something to tell him where Lukas is.

With every passing moment Philip’s horror grows, his heart aching. The uncertainty burrows under his skin and eats away at him. He pulls back curtains and walks into places he knows he shouldn’t be. He wonders if Lukas is below decks. He wonders if he’s hurt where no one can find him.

He could have drowned he could have drowned he could have drowned—

He looks up at the angry line of Bo’s shoulders, Sarah beside him, and Philip sets his jaw. The tears in his eyes are a constant, and he wipes at one when it runs down his cheek. Gabe and Helen touch his shoulders at the same time, and it only makes him cry harder, his face crumpling like it did when he was younger. And then he thinks of Mom and he stops in his tracks, covering his face with his hands. 

Helen and Gabe converge on him and surround him in hugs, and Philip feels so lightheaded, every single possible horrifying thing that could have happened to Lukas playing out in the darkness of his mind.

“We’re gonna find him, son, he’s around here—”

“He’s fine, Philip, he’s fine—”

“Where the fuck is he?” Philip sobs, gasping. “Why hasn’t he come back on his own yet—”

“It feels a lot longer than it’s really been,” Gabe says, rubbing his back. “He’s probably fallen asleep somewhere if he drank all that—”

“No,” Philip says, shaking his head, feeling Helen kiss his temple. “No, he’d—he’d wake up, he’d come find me—we’ve been—drunk before—”

“Sometimes drunk sleeps are the deeper ones,” Helen says. 

“His foot is hurt too,” Philip cries, his heart hurting. “Fuck, he’s—God—”

“Let’s keep looking,” Helen says, tugging on his arm. “Come on, honey, let’s go find him, okay?”

“Yeah,” Philip says, hiccupping a little bit.

~

They search for another hour and Philip’s devastation only grows. He checks his phone every five seconds. He feels like someone would have found Lukas by now, woken him up if he was fucking sleeping. It’s closing in on eleven o’clock in the morning and Philip is pure panic. He’s spoken to every single fucking person on this ship, showed Lukas’s photo around, cried so much he doesn’t think he can cry anymore.

He checks the hallway outside their room and is upset to see it’s still empty. He already checked the goddamn private gym the floor under theirs but he heads back there again out of desperation. He thinks about kidnapping, death, hurt, pain. He needs to find Lukas. He needs to find him. They’re on a fucking ship, he has to be somewhere. He can’t have gone overboard. It isn’t possible. That kind of pain can’t touch them again. He can’t be that unlucky. Gabe told him he wasn’t, that things don’t work that way, and Philip wants to believe him. He’s desperate to.

Philip walks through the locker room, into the sauna, into the next locker room and a little lounge. There are hardly any people in here and he wipes at his eyes, swallowing hard. He walks into the back of the lounge and realizes he hadn’t checked in here earlier. He doesn’t want to get his goddamn hopes up but his heart beats loud in his ears. 

“Lukas,” Philip says, his voice wavering. He walks past the mirrors, past the line of showers, and sees a row of dressing rooms, three of them marked empty and one marked occupied. Philip trembles, bending down a little bit to peek under the stall, ready to bolt if it’s not Lukas.

But it fucking is. Lukas’s feet, Lukas’s flip flops, one tinged red with blood.

Philip straightens up and nearly slams himself against the door. He rattles it, banging on it. “Lukas!” he yells. He bangs again, his heart in his throat. “Lukas, open up! Lukas!” Still nothing and he fucking can’t, he can’t with this shit, and he gets down on his knees and crawls into the stall on his belly, pressed against the ground. 

Lukas is sitting, his head against the wall, his eyes closed and his mouth open, and for one terrifying moment Philip is sure he’s dead. But there are no marks on him, no blood except his foot, and Philip surges up and forward, grabbing onto his shoulders and shaking him.

“Wake up,” Philip says, through gritted teeth, and after three good shakes Lukas’s eyes snap open. Philip lets go of him, struck silent as he straightens up, watching Lukas’s face change. His eyes go wide and he looks around, his brows furrowing, taking in his surroundings. He looks at Philip like he doesn’t know him, and then he shakes his head. 

“What’s…what’s happening?” 

Philip’s terror had outweighed everything else. But now that Lukas is in front of him, alive and largely unharmed, the anger boils to the surface. It’s not the exploding kind, the screaming kind, not yet, anyway. It’s a searing kind of anger, heating up his cheeks, shuddering like pinpricks through his veins. “What’s….what’s happening?” he repeats.

Lukas’s face fills with panic as his eyes trace over Philip, looking down at his wrapped up foot. “What happened to your foot?” he asks. 

Philip is shaking. “My—look at your own fucking foot,” he spits out. 

Lukas does, his brows furrowing even farther and his mouth dropping open when he sees all the dried blood. “Fuck,” Lukas mutters. “Fuck, I don’t—I don’t—”

“You don’t remember?” Philip asks, his heart beating so fast it feels like it’s going to rip itself out of his goddamn chest. “Yeah, Lukas—” He shakes his head and he can’t fucking think. “Lukas—oh my fucking god, I fucking can’t believe—” He shakes his head again and he’s trembling and he covers his face with his hands. 

“Philip,” Lukas says, pleading, but Philip isn’t fucking having it. He feels like he’s gonna break apart, fall into a million pieces.

“You—you, you—you made me wake up to that,” Philip stammers, tears in his eyes again and he fucking hates that he cries when he gets really angry, this fucking angry. He lets his hands fall away and he gets even angrier when he sees Lukas’s face. “All those fucking bottles. The broken glass. Blood on the floor. Your phone there, your key, no—no fucking you anywhere to be found.”

“I,” Lukas says, his mouth forming words that don’t reach the air. “I, I—uh—”

“I’ve searched this whole goddamn ship,” Philip says, his voice wavering dangerously. “I’ve talked to strangers, I’ve gone into people’s fucking—fucking rooms, security is looking for you, there are—there are _people looking for you, Lukas_.”

Lukas hobbles to his feet and Philip backs away from him, hitting the door. “I don’t remember,” Lukas says. He squints and he shakes his head. “I kinda—I kinda have—flashes—”

“You were in here sleeping,” Philip says, “while I was out there worrying you were fucking dead. Out there reliving every fucking goddamn bad thing that’s ever happened to us and you—you were in here sleeping.”

“Philip—”

“No,” Philip says, reaching behind him and undoing the lock. He doesn’t want to look at him, he doesn’t want to see him, he doesn’t want to think about him. He pushes the door open and nearly falls out of the stall, starting back the way he came.

“Philip,” Lukas yells, and Philip can hear him exclaim in pain, probably stepping on his fucking foot. 

“Go to the infirmary,” Philip says, loud enough for him to hear, but he keeps walking.

Lukas grunts a couple times but catches up, limping alongside him. “Please,” Lukas says, grabbing his arm, but Philip wrenches it away from him.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” Philip says, pushing the locker room door open and walking out into the gym. 

“Philip, baby—”

Philip bites down on his lower lip and tastes blood. He rounds on him once they’re out in the hallway, and he knows his eyes are flashing fire. “You—you fucking left me. You could have woken me up, like we’ve done thousands of fucking times before, said ‘hey Philip, I still feel like shit and I’m planning on downing the contents of the fucking mini bar, maybe talk me out of it?’” He shakes his head, feeling purely fucking sick, but different than before. He’s never been this goddamn disgusted. “We don’t do that shit to each other, Lukas, I don’t—I don’t care what’s going on. We don’t do that to each other. I was terrified, I was worried you’d gone overboard, fucking—drowned—” He gets a flash of it again, Lukas choking on water, thrashing around, and Philip sways a little bit on the spot, feels like he’s gonna pass out.

Lukas’s hands are on him again but Philip smacks them away. 

“I said don’t touch me,” Philip says, moving away from him. 

“Philip, I’m sorry,” Lukas says. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking straight.”

Philip sees Helen and Gabe at the end of the hallway and they both exclaim when they see Lukas. “Yeah, you fucking weren’t,” Philip says, walking away from him, a few more hot angry tears falling. 

“Please, I’m so sorry, please talk to me, I fucked up,” Lukas says, grabbing at him again but Philip moves faster, accidentally stepping hard on his bad foot. He hisses and braces his hand against the wall. 

Lukas touches him again, hand at the small of his back, and Philip hates himself for how his stomach flutters even though he’s still so goddamn pissed. “God, the glass,” Lukas says, his voice low. “I hurt you. I hurt you.”

“You hurt me,” Philip says, nodding. 

“Lukas,” Helen says. “Where the hell were you?”

“Philip,” Lukas says, clearly ignoring her. “I made a mistake, I—I wasn’t—I don’t know, I made a mistake. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.”

The part of Philip that’s in love screams to forgive him. Screams that Lukas is hurting, that he’s repentant, that he’s here and he’s not dead. But Philip can’t. He feels fucking betrayed. Lukas should have woken him up. Simple as that. He thought they were past something like this. Well beyond it.

“Leave me alone,” Philip says, moving to walk past Helen and Gabe, who both look concerned. 

“Are you breaking up with me?” Lukas yells, tears in his voice. 

Philip stops, closing his eyes and drawing in a breath. “Of course I’m not breaking up with you, idiot,” he says. They’re clearly out of practice at fighting if Lukas thinks this means they’re breaking up, and Philip even considers this a huge deal. “I just can’t be around you.”

“For how long?” Lukas asks, his voice breaking. 

“I don’t know,” Philip says, tears falling again and he groans at himself, vaguely hearing Gabe mention something about security to Helen. 

~ ~ ~

Lukas is horrified. 

Everyone is looking at him like he’s the biggest piece of shit, even people he doesn’t know. And he knows he is. Philip hasn’t ever said not to touch him, not ever, since they were together for good, and it makes Lukas feel ill. His dad won’t look at him. Sarah seems more interested but Dad tugs her away, and for a minute Lukas wishes he hadn’t.

The only one that stays with him is Gabe. Gabe takes him to the infirmary, makes small talk when the nurse won’t talk to him, because somehow she’s fucking pissed at him too. He wouldn’t be surprised if the whole goddamn ship was pissed at him. He’s pissed at himself. He hates himself, especially when he thinks about Philip’s foot. 

He tries to dig the memories out of his head. He remembers downing the vodka. He remembers starting on the rum. He remembers holding the champagne bottle in his hands and thinking about how heavy it was. But the rest of it is a blur. He sorta remembers pain. He remembers the ocean. He remembers missing Philip, feeling like Philip was a thousand miles away from him. He only vaguely remembers breaking the glass, the abruptness of it. He sure as he doesn’t remember leaving the goddamn room. Going to the gym. He doesn’t even know why he went there. The only reason why they go to the gym at home is to teach Philip to swim and to get smoothies.

Home. He wants to go home. Before this whole trip, when they were together and okay. They haven’t fought like this in fucking years and he hates it. He hates it so bad, it feels like he’s dying. He wants to lay down and fucking die. 

Gabe walks him back to the room and he figures that Philip passed off his key so Lukas could get back in. Lukas looks around when he gets in there, hoping Philip is there, ready to talk. But he isn’t. He isn’t anywhere.

“They, uh, cleaned it up,” Gabe says. 

Lukas can tell there were stains on the carpet but they did a pretty good job getting rid of it. He wonders how bad it was. He wonders if they’ll bill his dad for it. He sighs, walking over to the couch and slumping down. Gabe sits next to him and flips on the TV, turning the volume down low.

“He hates me,” Lukas mutters, the tears threatening again. 

“He doesn’t hate you,” Gabe says. 

“He didn’t even want me to touch him,” Lukas says, squeezing his knees. 

“He was terrified, Lukas,” Gabe says, hand on the back of the couch. “We were looking for you for hours, from the moment he woke up. He was worried something really bad happened.”

Lukas puts his hand in his hands. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

“We all make mistakes,” Gabe says. 

“I didn’t wanna wake him up,” Lukas says, his voice muffled. “I didn’t wanna bother him with me and how I was feeling about my dad and all this shit.”

“He never considers you a bother, Lukas,” Gabe says, like he’s trying to convince him. “He loves you, your problems are his problems.”

“Lucky him,” Lukas says, laughing bitterly. 

“Helen and I have fought like this before,” Gabe says. “It blows over.”

“What should I do?” Lukas asks, looking up, his chest aching. “I’ll do anything.”

“You’ve just gotta give him time and space,” Gabe says.

Lukas doesn’t want to do that. He wants to be right up against Philip right now. He wants to kiss it better. He wants to drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness. He sighs. “I’ve ruined the entire trip.”

“No you haven’t,” Gabe says, shaking his head. “We still have five more days.”

“So today’s lost, huh?” Lukas asks. 

“Yeah,” Gabe says, laughing a little bit. “Today’s lost.”

Lukas doesn’t want him to leave. He doesn’t want to be alone. 

“You wanna go get some food?” Gabe asks.

“Yes,” Lukas says, probably too fast. He hopes they run into Philip. So Philip can see how sorry he is. Can see how much he’s been crying. How much he wants him back.

~ ~ ~

It’s closing in on ten at night. Philip hasn’t been away from Lukas for this long since high school, and it fucking sucks. They’re usually apart for classes but they always message each other throughout the day, hardly sparing a minute. He knows he’ll have to be away from him longer when he goes in the circuit next March, but Philip doesn’t think about that right now. He’s still so goddamn mad he can barely see straight. He texts Angela again and gets another picture of Izzy playing with the other three, which momentarily distracts him from how mad he is. He decides not to show Lukas, and he also decides to keep their fight from Angela for now.

He, Helen and Sarah are in some steakhouse on the eighth deck, and now Philip is worried about where Bo is. Sarah keeps saying he’s on the deck getting some air, which just makes Philip more irritated, because he and Lukas have been together longer than Sarah and Bo but she still knows where the fuck he is. 

Sarah’s a lot nicer than anybody gave her credit for. She shifts a little closer to Philip, taking a sip of her water. “I think you should give him a break,” she says, smiling softly. 

“He doesn’t deserve it,” Philip says, swallowing hard. “Not with what we’ve been through, not with how much I was supporting his shit yesterday. I barely want to go back to the room.”

“He and Gabe aren’t there right now anyway,” Helen says, looking at her phone. “They’re at the bistro on six. Apparently Lukas is still crying.”

Philip tries not to be affected by that. 

“I feel responsible for this whole thing,” Sarah says, clicking her tongue. “I just wish I had made Bo tell you two back when I first wanted him to. Things would be so much simpler.”

Philip looks at her. He wonders how much younger she is than Bo, because she has to be. She seems really classy, like she might come from money, and he makes a note to talk to Helen more about her when they’re not all together. 

“It isn’t your fault,” Philip says. “I mean, yeah—this would have gone better if he’d had time to adjust to the idea, because the way it all happened kinda felt like Bo—trapped him.” Philip hates that he’s defending Lukas right now, but he’s still his boyfriend. “It feels like all the trust they built up just kinda fell to the wayside because Bo didn’t want to tell him. Also, Lukas knows he’s being kinda irrational, but—he’s uh, thinking about his mom.”

“I know,” Sarah says, chewing on her thumbnail, what looks like a nervous tick. 

“But this shit with me—not waking me up when he feels like this, then going off and fucking leaving me—one, leaving me alone on a ship, when he knows I’m afraid of water, and two, leaving me with that goddamn—crime scene setup he left in the living room. With what we’ve been through and—” His breath catches in his throat and he wipes his eyes. “Well, I mean—”

“You two are planning on getting married, aren’t you?” Sarah asks.

“Yeah,” Philip says, tilting his head to the side. “And that’s not how…what if he does that shit to me again later, when we’re married? What if he does it the day we’re gonna get married? I can’t—I don’t wanna be a clingy asshole but I want to know where he is. If he wanted to leave and wander around he could have told me.”

“If Gabe and I did that to each other it would be a problem,” Helen says.

“He should have told you,” Sarah says, and Helen nods in agreement. “He should have woken you up, said he wanted to walk around and get some air, but he’d have his phone if you needed to contact him.”

“Exactly,” Philip says. 

“You need to tell him that,” Helen says. “That when you two are married he can’t just up and leave without a trace. That was the mistake. Making the active choice to put himself in a state of mind where he’d forget to tell you to begin with.”

“Yes,” Philip says, with a sigh.

“You two have to hash this out,” Sarah says. “We still have so many activities we have to do and I don’t want you to be fighting.”

Philip smiles a little bit. “Well, he has to work it out with you and his dad, too.”

“I’ve accepted that anger,” Sarah says, waving her hand through the air. “But you two, well…it’s sad to see, really.”

Philip sighs. He’s still mad. He knows it’s getting late and he kind of wants to sleep in Helen and Gabe’s room so he doesn’t have to see Lukas. But he knows he has to be an adult and go back to his own room, even if they don’t talk tonight. He takes a bite of his broccoli and hopes to God Lukas is really thinking about what happened.

~

He gets a text from Gabe when he’s heading back to the room that Lukas is there, so Philip steels himself when he opens the door, getting a thumbs up from both Sarah and Helen from the end of the hall.

He has to hold his ground for now. At least until tomorrow.

He walks inside and Lukas looks up from his spot on the couch, getting to his feet as soon as Philip walks through the door. Philip’s heart is beating like it used to do when they’d meet, in the barn or on the roof, in secret, when he was nervous that things could fall apart if he breathed the wrong way. 

He looks at Lukas’s foot and feels how his own hurts, and thinks this is some weird Shakespearean shit that they’re both injured the same way.

“Philip—”

“I’m going to bed,” Philip says, making a wide berth around the spot where the glass and the blood were. 

“Can I sleep in there with you?” Lukas asks, and Philip hesitates for a second. “I won’t touch you, I swear, I just—”

“I don’t care, Lukas, sleep where you want,” Philip says, tears forming in his eyes again as he heads for the bathroom. He’s just so fucking hurt. Everything about this hurts. He hears Lukas make a little noise but Philip keeps walking, taking off his shirt and grabbing his pajamas from his open suitcase. Lukas shuffles in and starts doing the same, and it takes all of Philip’s willpower not to look at him. His phone buzzes again and he sees Angela has sent another picture of Izzy, laying in her bed and making those puppy dog eyes.

Philip tears up a little bit and sorta wishes they’d never come here.

Once they’ve brushed their teeth separately and the lights are out, he scoots as far as he can to his side of the bed. His body longs for Lukas, longs to be pressed up against him, but his mind holds onto the anger, the hurt. His fucking foot does too.

He hears Lukas breathing, shifting under the covers. “I love you, baby,” Lukas whispers. “I’m so sorry. I love you.”

Philip closes his eyes, biting hard on his lower lip. 

~

Lukas is drowning, and Philip is watching. Something is holding him back, shards of glass in his arms and his feet and his stomach and his eyes. Down his throat, choking him. Darkness surrounds them, consuming them, eating them alive. Lukas is thrashing and writhing, face down in the ocean, his body spasming as he drowns. 

Mom is gone, now Lukas too

Philip is losing him

He’s losing him

He’s losing him—

~ ~ ~

Lukas sits up in bed because Philip is breathing hard in his sleep, moving around, muttering a little bit. Lukas knows a nightmare when he hears one, because they’ve grown so used to drawing each other out of them. He puts a tentative hand on Philip’s shoulder. “Philip,” he whispers, shaking him a little bit.

“No, no,” Philip mutters, whimpering. “Lukas.”

Lukas’s heart plummets and he scoots closer, brushing Philip’s hair back from his forehead. “Baby, wake up,” he says. 

“Lukas, please,” Philip gasps, his brows knitting together. 

“Philip,” Lukas says, loud.

Philip shoots up, gasping and breathing raggedly, his eyes shining in the moonlight that’s reflecting off the water, peeking in through their curtains.

“It’s okay,” Lukas whispers, rubbing his back. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

Philip dissolves into a new round of tears then and Lukas doesn’t know what to do. It’s the first time he’s felt at a loss with a crying Philip in a long time and he’s terrified he’s gonna push him away, but while he’s debating what to do Philip climbs into his lap and wraps his arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder. 

Lukas doesn’t waste time in winding his arms around Philip and holding him close until their chests are flush together, thanking his lucky stars. 

“You’re so fucking stupid,” Philip mutters, gasping.

“I know,” Lukas says, rubbing his back up and down. 

“God, I—I hated you.”

It stings a little but Lukas nods. “I deserve that,” he says.

Philip pulls back, his face tear-stained, his hands braced on Lukas’s shoulders. “You should have woken me the fuck up, Lukas,” Philip says. “As soon as you realized you were having an issue, you should have woken me up and talked to me. You’re a fucking adult, we’re fucking adults—no goddamn tantrums, Lukas. You should have woken me up.”

“I know that now,” Lukas says, swallowing. “I know, I know, I’m—I’m sorry.”

“Don’t ever do that again,” Philip says, glaring at him. But he leans forward, pressing their foreheads together. “Don’t ever fucking do that again. You scared me to death. You scared me to death.”

“I’m sorry,” Lukas says, holding him by the hips. Philip is so perfect, so beautiful and kind and smart and loving. Lukas doesn’t deserve him. 

“Goddamnit, Lukas,” Philip says. “You wake me up every time, you hear me? You never leave me like that again, ever.”

“Yes,” Lukas says, and he’d agree to anything at this point. He’d literally do anything Philip wanted to get things back to normal. “Never again.”

“Lukas,” Philip breathes, his brows furrowed, and Lukas feels him rocking down a little bit, his hips rolling.

“Lemme make it up, baby,” Lukas breathes, not kissing him, not yet, not until he has permission. “Please, please, I’ll do anything. Anything for you.”

Philip is still giving off those angry vibes, moving sharply, but he’s also starting to grind down harder, gripping Lukas’s neck. “I shouldn’t forgive you,” he whispers. “You left me alone on a goddamn ship, Lukas. A ship in the ocean. You literally did that and made me worry about you too, like a fucking cherry on top.”

Lukas lets out a wavering breath. He holds him tighter out of instinct, shaking his head. He’s goddamn ashamed. He’s supposed to protect Philip. Not this. Not this. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I’m so sorry, baby, please tell me what to do. I wanna take it back. I wanna take it back so bad.”

Philip nudges their noses together then and kisses him hard, their tongues sliding together. Lukas can barely think and he kisses back, letting Philip lead him, letting Philip take what he wants, what he deserves. He grinds down with more purpose and Lukas is so hard now, aching with want and desperation.

“Fuck, Lukas,” Philip breathes, biting his lip, and Lukas moans. Philip kisses and sucks at Lukas’s jawline and Lukas’s eyes roll back as he slides his hands down into Philip’s sweats just a bit. Philip pushes back into the touch and gasps against Lukas’s mouth. “Want you,” Philip says, licking into Lukas’s mouth again like he knows what he wants, knows he can just take it.

“Tell me,” Lukas says, raspy when the kiss breaks. “Tell me how you want it.”

Philip nuzzles against Lukas’s cheek and licks his earlobe. He thinks for a second and Lukas tries to imagine the images in his head. “Against the wall,” Philip says. “Want you to hold me up and fuck me against the wall.”

Lukas’s mind does a couple flips and he tries to focus.

“Now,” Philip says, tugging at him and climbing out of his lap. Lukas follows him off the bed and crowds him towards the wall, only briefly stopping by his bag and snatching the lube out of the side pocket. He puts it on the dresser and presses against Philip, feeling him grab his hand and press it against his crotch. Philip holds it there and arches up into it, his mouth open. Lukas kisses his forehead, his lax lips, the tip of his nose.

“Take my shirt off,” Philip says. Lukas nods and squeezes him through his sweats before he lets his hand travel up, pulling Philip’s shirt over his head. He tosses it aside. “Pants,” Philip says next, eyes locked on Lukas’s, and Lukas pushes Philip’s pants over his hips, helping him step out of them.

“Take off your clothes,” Philip says, watching him.

Lukas does, not wasting time, tossing his shirt and his pants away, his underwear following fast after. Philip takes his boxers off too and then Lukas presses against him, caging his hands on either side of Philip’s head as he kisses him, nearly humping him through the wall. Philip makes these little wanton noises and clings to him, and Lukas hikes one of his legs up around his hip, making Philip moan. 

He grabs the lube off the dresser and squeezes some onto his fingers, putting it back down and reaching behind him, teasing around before he slides one finger into Philip. He watches his face, watches his jaw clench and his brows furrow before Lukas adds another, slipping his tongue into Philip’s mouth when it falls open. He holds his leg up and fingers him, kisses him like he wants to steal the anger from his mouth, and when Philip is moaning and gasping Lukas pulls three fingers back, looking at him for some sort of signal.

“Fucking do it,” Philip says, grasping at him. He grabs the lube himself and covers Lukas’s cock in it, tugging him and rubbing him up and down until Lukas sees stars. Philip tosses the bottle aside impatiently and Lukas hoists him up, some pain in his foot when he puts more pressure on it, but he doesn’t care because Philip’s eyes widen in surprise as Lukas pins him against the wall with his body, pushing up into him. 

It’s a little faster than normal as he sinks inside and he keeps his grip on Philip, staring at him until he’s all the way inside. Philip adjusts and clings to Lukas’s neck, nodding at Lukas after a couple moments. “Go,” he breathes.

Lukas starts pumping his hips forward, sharp and up into that tight heat. He can’t get much leverage because of the position but he keeps moving all the same, tightening his hold on Philip and feeling the way his body shivers, pressing down to meet him. Lukas hoists him a little higher and presses him harder against the wall, Philip’s cock leaking between them, the friction maddening. 

“C’mon, goddamnit, Lukas,” Philip says, digging his nails into Lukas’s neck a little bit, and Lukas moans. He tries to go faster, harder, knows his fingers will make bruises on Philip’s skin.

“I’m so sorry,” Lukas breathes, pressing the bridge of his nose to Philp’s temple, his mouth falling open. “I’m so sorry, forgive me, forgive me.”

Philip only moans, tangling his hands in Lukas’s hair and tugging a little bit. He feels light, like Lukas has incorporated this weight, gotten used to it. Philip drags his hand around and thumbs over Lukas’s bottom lip, watching with pupils blown wide as Lukas sucks his thumb into his mouth, swirling his tongue over it. Philip’s mouth drops open and Lukas lets his finger go, crashing their mouths together in a burning kiss. 

“Baby,” Lukas moans, his thighs aching from the position, his arms too, his foot flaring. But it’s good, it’s all good, it’s Philip everywhere. “Baby, baby.”

“Lukas,” Philip groans, letting his head fall back against the wall, and Lukas starts sucking on the junction between his neck and shoulder, biting at his skin. “Fuck, Lukas.”

“Tell me you love me,” Lukas mutters into his neck, but Philip says nothing. Lukas thrusts a little harder and Philip gasps, holding onto him. “Tell me, please, please.”

“God,” Philip says, and when Lukas looks at him there’s pure pleasure on his face, the same kind that’s pooling in Lukas’s gut now. 

Lukas presses their bodies together closer, close as they can get, Philip’s cock smearing across Lukas’s stomach.

“Please,” Lukas whispers against his lips, his thighs shaking, and he’s terrified he’s gonna drop him but he won’t let himself, he won’t.

“Ah—ah—Lukas—oh—oh, Lukas,” Philip chants. Lukas thrusts up and Philip comes apart, shaking, moaning his name. Lukas stumbles back and turns them just in time so they land on the bed, and he isn’t sure if Philip even notices that he’s pressed against something soft now, his breath still coming out fast and harsh. Lukas is barely on the bed, his good foot on the ground and his knee on the mattress and he thrusts up into Philip, deeper and at a better angle now, four more times hard before he’s coming inside him, burying his face in Philip’s neck as he sprawls out on top of him.

“I love you,” Philip whispers, lifting a heavy burden off Lukas’s heart. “I love you, I love you.”

“Fuck, thank God,” Lukas says, still wading through the haze of his orgasm. He slips out of him and eases him towards the pillows, pulling him into his arms when they’ve both gotten settled. 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, kissing Philip’s forehead. 

“You can stop apologizing,” Philip says, his breathing evening out. “I’m on the other side of it now.”

“No, I need to be like…the best boyfriend ever forever, like, from now on,” Lukas says, tracing a line up and down Philip’s back.

“You do have to make up with your dad,” Philip says. “Tomorrow. That’s my only condition.” 

“Fine,” Lukas says, dreading it, but he said he’d do anything and he’s gonna stick to that. “I’ll go to breakfast with him tomorrow. Just him and me.”

“You should talk to Sarah too,” Philip says. “She’s pretty great.”

“You guys hung out?” Lukas asks. 

“Yeah,” Philip says. “She was trying to get me to make up with you.”

That surprises Lukas but then again he doesn’t know why it does. 

“It won’t happen again, baby,” Lukas says. “Not ever, okay? It was a major misstep, a mistake…I…I know what I did and I can’t do it again. I love you too much.”

“Good,” Philip says. “Hopefully it’s…a lesson. We have to stand by each other.”

“Yes,” Lukas says. “Always.”

“I’m exhausted,” Philip says nuzzling closer to him, drawing one of his legs up and over both of Lukas’s own. “If you have bad thoughts—”

“I wake you up,” Lukas says, kissing the top of Philip’s head. “I promise. Forever and ever until the end of time.”

“Good,” Philip says. 

“I love you, baby,” Lukas says. “So much.”

“I love you too, Lukas,” Philip says, and Lukas’s heart soars.

~

Lukas wakes up the next morning early and is happy to find Philip curled up in his arms. He holds him tighter and just breathes for a moment, thanking God and whoever’s listening that Philip managed to forgive him for one of his most major fuck-ups since high school. He still gets chills when he tries to remember what happened and he doesn’t like the idea of him wandering around completely blacked out. He gets why Philip was so upset. Anything could have fucking happened.

He kisses Philip’s forehead and hears him sigh, snuggling closer and clinging to him. Lukas feels like he’s holding him tighter and he still feels like shit that he’s given so much of his worry back to him. Lukas rubs his arm up and down and kisses him again, trying not to jostle him too much as he reaches over and grabs his phone.

He texts his dad. _I wanna have breakfast with you. Just us—available?_ He looks over at the clock when he sends it, sees that it’s a little after ten. He didn’t realize how long they’d slept, but they haven’t been getting much fucking sleep the past couple of nights. 

_Where do you want to go?_ Dad responds.

Lukas feels nervous. He sighs, kissing Philip a third time, and Philip makes a happy little noise, running his nose up and down Lukas’s neck. “Baby,” Lukas whispers. “I, uh—I’m getting a little nervous.” He squeezes Philip’s shoulder. 

“I’m awake,” Philip says, clearing his throat, smoothing his hand back and forth across Lukas’s stomach. “Nervous about your dad?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “Just texted him, he asked where I wanna meet.”

“You guys should go to the Manhattan Room,” Philip says. “Main dining room on the seventh deck.”

“Okay,” Lukas says, texting his dad. _Manhattan Room, like half an hour?_

“Don’t be nervous, babe,” Philip says, wiping his eyes and sitting up a little bit. “He’s your dad, you gotta tell him how it is, and hopefully he’ll realize how he handled this was…shitty.”

“Can I text you during for advice?” Lukas asks, eyes following him.

“Yes,” Philip says, smiling warmly. He leans in, pressing a long kiss to Lukas’s cheek. “You got this,” he says, turning Lukas’s face so he can kiss him full on.

~

The restaurant is full when Lukas gets there and he sees Dad across the room, the waiter quickly finding them a table. The air feels thick and awkward when they sit down and they both ask for water before greeting each other. The waiter leaves and the greeting never comes.

“Glad you didn’t fall overboard,” Dad says, vaguely touching the silverware by his side of the table.

“Sorry I worried everyone,” Lukas says, sorrier he worried Philip, but he doesn’t think saying that will help anything. “Listen—”

“I hate that this whole trip is pretty much shot to hell,” Dad says, shaking his head. 

Lukas sets his jaw. “You should have told me this shit before,” he says. “We’re—we’ve come a long way. I thought we were doing good, being honest with each other, but you were actually lying to me that whole goddamn time—”

“I wasn’t _lying_ —”

“You were lying by omission, Dad,” Lukas says. “Which is a phrase I stole from you so I’m pretty sure you know exactly what you did.”

Dad shakes his head. “It would have been like this either way.”

“No it wouldn’t have,” Lukas says, leaning forward. “I mean—you didn’t date, for—all these years—”

“Never connected with anybody,” Dad says, finally meeting his eyes and shrugging a little bit. “Was still dealing with your mother’s death, with you—”

“I’m not asking you why,” Lukas says, his heart hammering a little faster. “I’m just saying—that I have every right to be a little….I don’t know, uh—surprised? Confused? Difficult to adjust? I don’t know, but shit I’m—allowed to have a reaction—” He feels like they’re getting off topic and he shakes his head. “You should have told me before. Way before. Like, as soon as you thought it was serious. Because I’m your kid, because it—affects me and because you’re supposed to be honest with me, goddamnit.”

Dad sighs. “I was, uh…being selfish,” he says, and Lukas goes quiet. “I knew you wouldn’t like it, I knew you’d be unhappy whether it was rational or not, so, I—thought this might keep the, uh—anger at bay. Knowing it’d affect the vacation.”

“Which fucking sucks, that you’d do that to me,” Lukas says, anger blooming in his cheeks.

The waiter picks that moment to come back and they quickly look through the menus, muttering their breakfast orders and watching him walk away.

“I guess I’m sort of…resentful, that it had to be a big deal no matter what,” Dad says. “But that’s—that’s my own deal, because I really do…understand it.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says. 

“She’s a good person,” Dad says, looking at him. 

“I’m sure she is,” Lukas says. “But this, like, was not the way to tell me you were dating her. As much as we hate the dramatics and whatever, we should have just dealt with them earlier on.”

“You would have just nixed the cruise,” Dad says. 

“I would not have,” Lukas says, narrowing his eyes. 

“Lukas—”

“Dad—”

“You would have been angry and when I won the cruise you wouldn’t have wanted to go.”

“That’s stupid,” Lukas says, and he can feel a headache coming on. “It would have been months, had you told me at the right goddamn time. I would have gotten used to the idea of her. Jesus, it might have even felt like a good idea. Just admit you were wrong and apologize.”

“Only I have to apologize?” Dad asks, raising his eyebrows. “You made us all think you were dead. Philip was horrified, it was awful to see him like that—”

Lukas digs his fingers into his eyes. “I know. I know, I—we made up, we’re okay. I understand my reaction was insane and I’m—I’m sorry. But after all that you can’t own up to the fact that if you had told me earlier none of this would have happened?”

Dad sighs. “Fine,” he says.

“I don’t want you to have to like, force an apology,” Lukas says bitterly, sorta hating how this is going. “Just—whatever. Philip hung out with her yesterday and said she was great and it’s not her fault you’re—”

“I’m sorry,” Dad says. “I didn’t know how to handle it. I was afraid of handling it wrong and I wound up doing exactly that. I just didn’t…know how to do it.”

Lukas sighs. “Just talk to me. Please. I’ll do the same. We’ve come so far, we’re not at this point anymore where we ignore shit and don’t talk.”

“I know,” Dad says. 

Lukas wants to ask about her but he can’t quite find the strength, so he only smiles a little bit, nodding. “We gotta make the rest of this trip like, extra awesome for the rest of them.”

“Don’t I know it,” Dad says.

Lukas feels a little better. Everything isn’t perfect, but it’s rare that that’s ever the case.

~

He gets a text from Philip for them to meet them at the bake shop on deck seven and they head there after they eat, the silence between the a little easier than it was before. They get into the elevator and Lukas vaguely recalls a broken memory of doing the same when he was drunk, and he wonders if he’ll be digging these flashes of insanity out of his head for the whole remainder of the trip. 

“I feel like Sarah gave me some perspective,” Dad says, the two of them leaning against the wall.

“On?” Lukas asks, not a hundred percent sure if he’s ready to talk about this, but he’s gonna try anyway.

“Being a single parent of a gay kid,” Dad says, looking at him. 

“I think you’ve been doing pretty good, before this,” Lukas says. “Since after all the shit happened. A lot, uh—better than I ever could have expected.”

“Helps that I enjoy Philip as a human being,” Dad says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Never would have known—”

“Yeah, you judged him right off,” Lukas says. “City kid, all that. Stay away from him, all that. What if I’d listened to you?”

The elevator doors open and Dad looks down at the ground as they walk out. There’s a little map of the deck on the wall in front of them and they walk up to it, making sure of where the bake shop is before they turn left and head towards it. 

“I can say now I’m glad you didn’t,” Dad says. “Because I like him. He’s—he’s part of the family. This isn’t saying I’d have dealt with any boy this way, it’s still—it’s still, uh, strange to me—”

“We don’t need to talk about this,” Lukas says, blowing out a breath. 

“I’m saying, I’m—well, Sarah and I talked a lot about how to deal with things like this and she’s made me realize that I was lucky you fell for someone like him. Could have been someone I couldn’t talk to or connect with at all, which would have exacerbated my feelings towards, uh—the whole situation, whereas Philip, well he’s—understanding. Dealt with people like me before who are slow to…adapt. He loved you enough to handle it with grace and I…respect that.”

“He’s an incredible person,” Lukas says, feeling his heart swell at the mere thought of him. “He’s dealt with a lot of shit in his life and we’ve made him deal with even more shit and I honestly don’t deserve him at all.”

“You do,” Dad says, looking at him. “You deserve a lot more than you give yourself credit for.”

~

Lukas buys Philip about ten pounds of chocolate that he has plans for later that night, and he leaves it in their fridge before they all get ready to leave the ship and head for the Kennedy Space Center out of Port Canaveral. 

Sarah is there outside their door when he and Philip walk out. “Uh,” she says, smiling at both of them. “Philip, you think I could talk to Lukas for a little bit?”

“Of course,” Philip says. He presses a quick kiss to the corner of Lukas’s mouth. “We’ll meet you once we get on land?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, his heart speeding up a little bit. “Wait for us there?”

“Yeah, we will,” Philip says, nodding at him. He walks off, and Lukas can hear Helen and Gabe’s voices at the end of the hall.

“I won’t take up too much of your time,” Sarah says. “We’ll catch up with them in a few minutes, probably.”

Lukas bows his head. “Listen, I, uh—I’m sorry I was an asshole. It isn’t personal, I just—I wasn’t prepared for all this. If I’d been able to prepare—”

She takes his hands in her own. “I understand. And I just wanted to say that I wanted to tell you a lot earlier, but you know how your dad is.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, laughing.

“I’m not gonna let anything like that happen again,” she says. “But listen, I get it—and I don’t want to be your mother. I will never be your mother. I just wanna be your friend, alright? And even that—I know it’ll take time. You’re the one to set the pace. But I’m sorry it all happened the way it did. I wish it hadn’t.”

“It’s okay,” Lukas says, shaking his head. “I’m sorry yesterday was…as it was.”

“I’m glad you and Philip are alright,” she says, letting his hands go.

“Me too,” Lukas says, blowing out a breath. “He, uh—God, he’s the best, and I feel like shit. He deserves the world and I just need to remember to keep my perspective. He’s my number one priority.”

“Bo was talking about your wedding the other day,” she says.

Lukas looks up, narrowing his eyes. “What?”

She laughs a little bit, smiling. “He knows you’re not even engaged yet, but he was already talking about the things he wants to buy, how he wants to help pay for things—he has his own way of caring. It isn’t entirely perfect yet, and it’ll be…probably years until it is. But from what Helen and Gabe have said, he’s come a long way.”

Lukas chews on his lower lip, his mind racing. “Yeah, he has,” he says. “I’m glad he uh, has you. Helen told me about your daughter.”

She grins, pride in her eyes. “She’s great,” Sarah says. “It was a shock, for sure, but I’m not the same as your dad, it wasn’t the end of the world for me. Which is why Helen and Gabe wanted us to talk.”

Lukas doesn’t really want to talk about how they got together and it’s almost like she senses that, because she nods at him. 

“We gonna be okay?” she asks. 

“Yeah,” he says, smiling and nodding at her. He actually believes it. 

~

Everything is better after that, like the cruise he’d been expecting and hoping for. They go to downtown Disney after the Space Center, they walk around on the beach and get back to the ship right before it embarks again. 

Once they get back to their bedroom Lukas proposes eating melted chocolate off each other’s bodies and Philip heartily agrees, though they wind up tickling each other too much to continue. They make out and touch each other lazily, and Philip tastes like chocolate for the rest of the night, which is goddamn incredible. 

The next day they spend most of their daytime hours on the Great Stirrup Cay Island, and everything is so good that Lukas doesn’t ever want to leave. He gets thrown off his wave runner but it’s not a big deal, and for a minute everyone seems to forget he acted like such an asshole before and they’re all dragging him out of the water like he’s the most precious thing in the world. Lukas likes how it feels, though he hates seeing Philip so worried again, and he drives him the fact that he’s fine, for Philip’s sake. 

Philip watches almost everything from the beach, though he does come in with Lukas after all the wave runner shit, sitting in the shallow water with him and letting the water lap over their legs. They all have a good dinner together on the ship, laughing so much that it’s kinda hard to believe all that shit happened. It’s a lesson, and he’s better for learning it. He’s never gonna betray Philip like that again. Because he wants to marry him. Wants to protect him and hold him and keep him safe, forever and for all time. 

That night Angela messages that Izzy is forgetting who they are, so they facetime with her, which only results in Izzy barking for about twenty minutes before they give up trying to tell her where their voices are coming from. 

They swim with dolphins in Nassau the next day and Lukas tries not to get emotional about it. He wishes Philip would do it too but he gets to pet them from his spot on the edge, which Lukas figures feels safer to him, and he gets a lot of good photographs. Lukas sees Dad and Sarah kiss once and he doesn’t lose his shit, so he’s proud of himself for that. He watches Philip take pictures of everything, that curious, excited glint in his eye, and Lukas loves him more than he can even imagine. It hurts sometimes, the extent of his love, something that takes hold of his whole body, boiling in his gut, simmering in his veins. Like everything in the damn world is unfamiliar except Philip, and Philip is the only thing that knows him completely.

They’re in Fort Fincastle, Dad waxing poetic about history, and Lukas is sure he’s making up half of the shit he’s saying. He hears Gabe start a challenge and Helen bark out a laugh in response, but Lukas doesn’t really care about any of that. He walks up behind Philip, standing at the edge of the old fort railing, and wraps his arms around his middle.

Philip hums a little bit, still taking pictures. 

“What if the ship left without us?” Lukas asks, into Philip’s shoulder. “We could just live here.”

“Angela would have to mail Izzy to us and I don’t think she’d like that,” Philip says, taking another picture.

Lukas laughs a little bit. “You’re right.”

“Man, I’d wanna use that sequence of you by the cannon in my portfolio if I wasn’t focusing on New York,” Philip says. “You look like some kinda pirate.”

“I could steal this booty,” Lukas says, pressing up into him. 

Philip snorts. “Jesus Christ. Cornball.”

Lukas kisses his shoulder, grinning into the material of his shirt.

~

The next morning Lukas wakes up and sees Philip curled up on his side, his brows furrowed and his whole body shaking. Lukas feels a little tinge in his chest—the nightmares have fallen to the wayside lately, not nearly as much as they used to be, and two within five days really makes him hate himself for reopening old wounds. 

“Baby,” Lukas whispers, rubbing Philip’s chest as he slides up close behind him. “Wake up, angel face.”

Philip whimpers, sharply turning his face into the pillow.

“I’ve got you,” Lukas whispers, shaking him softly. “I got you, I’m here.”

Philip gasps awake and looks around for a second, breathing hard. When he realizes where they are he sinks back into Lukas, tugging his arm around his middle. “Fuck,” he breathes.

Lukas kisses his cheek. “You okay?”

“That one was bad,” Philip whispers. “Stuff with uh, Mom. You and Kane. It was weird, uh—I’ve been okay with the water most of this trip but I’m probably gonna stay out of it for like a year once we get home.”

Lukas is disappointed. He knows this is his fault, and a couple of good days isn’t really gonna fix it. He kisses Philip’s cheek again, nuzzling his nose there. “I’m sorry I fucked this shit up,” he whispers.

“It’s okay,” Philip says, and Lukas can feel his heart hammering under his hand. 

But Lukas knows it’s really not. He hates knowing about the pain in Philip’s head, hates knowing he’s made it worse, brought it back to the forefront. Philip turns over in his arms ad burrows close. Lukas sighs, kissing his head.

~

They’re in a little karaoke bar for lunch and only one person has gotten up there to sing, belting out Whitney Houston before returning to her group in a wave of laughter. 

“I’m a terrible singer,” Sarah says, sitting back in her seat. “Not for a million dollars.”

“I might be able to get in there if I had a few drinks in me,” Helen says. “But I’m pretty sure Lukas drank enough for all of us the other night.”

Lukas glares at her and she grins back. 

He looks at Philip. He’s been pretty low-key all day. Usually they talk about their nightmares, try to bring them into the real world and snuff them out, but he’s been pretty quiet about this one. Lukas hates that they have a boogeyman in their world, even if he’s dead. He hates that he’s dredged up this shit. 

He looks up at the empty stage and makes a swift decision, despite the fact that there are about ten strangers in here. He leans in and presses the bridge of his nose to Philip’s cheek. “I love you,” he whispers. 

“I love you too,” Philip says, vaguely touching the back of Lukas’s head for a moment, but then Lukas slips out of his grasp, heading for the stage.

~ ~ ~

Philip watches him get up, watches him walk towards the stage, watches as the rest of them stop talking, Bo chuckling a little bit and making eye contact with Philip.

“Is he gonna sing?” Bo asks, smiling. 

“Uh,” Philip stutters, shaking his head, because he has no idea what’s gonna happen. He watches Lukas talk to the man running the machine for a minute, nodding, motioning to the room and their table. “I don’t know,” Philip says.

But then Lukas picks up the microphone, shaking out the wire, looking up with a tinge of red in his cheeks. “This is for the love of my life, sitting over there,” Lukas says, pointing right at Philip. He clears his throat and then a song starts that Philip recognizes, and his breath catches in his throat. 

“You’re just too good to be true,” Lukas sings. “Can’t take my eyes off of you…”

Helen fumbles so hard for her phone in her hands that she drops it onto the ground. Gabe grabs it for her, but Philip isn’t watching them. His mouth is hanging open.

Lukas steps off the stage, the wire dragging along behind him. “You’d be like heaven to touch…I wanna hold you so much…”

He walks over until he’s right in front of Philip and then he gets down onto his knees, which just about makes Philip pass out right then and there. “At long last love has arrived…and I thank God I’m alive…you’re just too good to be true…can’t take my eyes off of you…”

There are people clapping and grinning on the other side of the room as the song picks up and Lukas claps his hand on Philip’s knee, blushing and grinning up at him. Philip’s heart is soaring and he can hardly think. 

“I love you baby, and if it’s quite alright, I need you baby….trust in me when I say…oh pretty baby, don’t let me down I pray oh pretty baby, now that I’ve found you, stay and let me love you, baby, let me love you…”

Philip can’t stand it anymore and surges forwards, grabbing Lukas’s face and smashing their mouths together. The microphone makes some kind of awful noise but people are clapping and laughing and Philip feels better than he has all day. Lukas drops the microphone and it squeals again but he straightens up on his knees, wrapping his arms around Philip’s middle and deepening the kiss.

He hears voices from the table behind them.

“Isn’t that the guy that was missing?”

“I think so.”

“Guess they found him.”

Philip laughs a little bit, smiling against Lukas’s mouth.

~

Philip rides him in bed that night, moving slow and languid like the ocean around them, his hands braced on Lukas’s chest. Lukas holds his hips and urges him down, pulls him into a long kiss, sliding his hands up and down Philip’s back like he wants to touch all of him, everything all at once. Philip will never get over how Lukas touches him, firm and insistent, like he wants to make a mark, wants to keep him there forever. 

They aren’t desperate in their pursuit, just slow and sure, chasing their pleasure and intent on making the other feel good. Lukas kisses Philip breathless, turning them over so Philip’s head lands soft on the pillow. He deepens his thrusts and Philip clings to his neck, thumbing through the soft hair there, breathing into Lukas’s mouth, his whole body strung tight and tremoring with heady desire and a thick, honeyed need. 

“I love you,” Lukas gasps, kissing Philip’s cheeks, his forehead. “Baby.”

“Love you, Lukas,” Philip says, nuzzling into his neck. 

Lukas takes him there, makes him see other worlds, holding his trembling body as he finds his own release. Sometimes the way they hold each other seems so intimate that Philip can’t believe he gets this. Gets every version of this—the silent intense times, the times when they giggle through it, can barely kiss because they’re so excited and happy. And the desperate aching times, when they can barely get enough of each other, when they can’t possibly be close enough.

Philip feels safe afterwards, cuddled up against Lukas’s chest and pressing kisses to his heartbeat. “Still can’t believe you fuckin’ sang,” Philip laughs. “Helen got a terrible video but I can hear all of it, thank God.”

Lukas runs his hands though Philip’s hair. “That’s our song and you’d felt a little off so I wanted to do something.”

“Our song, huh?” Philip asks, raising an eyebrow. 

“I mean, yeah, it reminds me of you,” Lukas says, sounding a little sheepish.

Philip sighs, scooting up his body and pulling him into another kiss. 

~

They see a Broadway version of Chicago on the ship’s theater which is pretty fucking awesome, and Helen hums the Cell Block Tango for a couple hours afterwards. All six of them get couples massages and Lukas and Philip sit in a sauna for half an hour before all of them head to the Haven’s pool, which is a lot less crowded than the one on deck fifteen. Philip sits with his feet in the water, watching Lukas do laps.

“You doing okay?” Helen asks, sitting next to him.

“Yeah,” Philip says, smiling softly.

“Pretty much worked out in the end, huh?” Helen asks. “Only one big breakdown in a span of six days, that’s good for the group of us.”

Philip snorts, shaking his head. “Next time I want a nice round zero.”

“I think he’s learned his lesson,” Helen says. 

“Me too,” Philip says. As much as this fucking sucked, he really thinks it might have helped Lukas realize how he should be behave, the choices he should make. That they need to be on the same page, if they’re gonna move in to a new life together in any kind of official capacity. They need to stand together. Against everything, no matter what.

~

They’re on the very top deck, pressed against the railings and watching the ship cut through the sea. Lukas had been particularly pissy about the fact that they couldn’t go to the very front of the bow, and as soon as he gets behind Philip and puts his hands on his waist Philip can guess what’s coming. He rolls his eyes, chuckling to himself.

“You think you and Sarah and your dad are gonna be okay?” Philip asks, delaying the inevitable.

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “I think she’s alright—I mean, she’s nice. She’s straight-up, which I like. And she’s probably a good influence on Dad, because of the whole thing with her daughter. She’s pretty open-minded.”

“Yeah, I definitely liked her more than I thought I would,” Philip says. 

“We’re meeting them for dinner at the Italian restaurant, right?” Lukas asks.

“Yeah,” Philip says. “They’re all still at that Jazz club because your dad is obsessed.”

Lukas scoffs. “Insane.”

Philip grins, leaning back against him. 

“Hey, put your arms out,” Lukas says, readjusting his hands on Philip’s waist.

“Here we go,” Philip snorts. “Why do I have to be Rose?”

“Because you’re way, way prettier than me,” Lukas laughs. “We can change, I don’t care—”

“I’ll let you have this,” Philip says, suppressing a grin, and he holds his arms out. “Oh my God, Lukas! I’m flying!”

Lukas laughs, reaching out and threading their fingers together. “Wow, so convincing.”

“You know, I try.”

Lukas kisses his cheek, bringing their arms back down and wrapping them around him. “I’m sorry I fucked up the first couple days.”

Philip leans on him and closes his eyes. He’s glad Lukas realizes how bad it was but he doesn’t want him to feel like shit about it forever. “It’s okay, you know I said I forgive you.”

“I’ll get us another cruise after we get married.”

The corners of Philip’s mouth quirk up and he raises an eyebrow. “Oh, are we getting married? I didn’t know.”

“I’m gonna marry the shit out of you, Philip Shea.” Lukas kisses his cheek about five or six times, and Philip grins. 

“When is this proposal happening?” Philip asks. “Do I have to plan?” 

“You just have to stand around and look hot, but that’s your normal state, so you’re basically ready,” Lukas says.

Philip has his own ideas of what he wants to do, but he doesn’t mention anything like that to Lukas. He knows him so well that he’ll have a pretty good idea of when it’s coming.

“Hey,” Lukas says, and Philip turns his head a little bit. Lukas presses a long kiss to his lips and Philip reaches back, gripping the back of his neck. “I love you,” Lukas says, nuzzling their noses together. 

Philip enjoyed the majority of the cruise, but he’s excited to get back to New York. To their dog, to their home. “I love you too,” he says, smiling softly. 

They head off below deck a couple minutes later, anxious for Italian food and their final night at sea.

They’re almost home.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this one took so damn long. It's absolutely massive. 21K, fifty pages. I hope you enjoyed it <3


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